


I Needed You

by lokidoki9



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Apparently it is kinda intense, Emotionally stunted reader, F/M, Former HYDRA agent reader, Jealousy, Pining, Trust Issues, a wee bit of angst, but still willing to learn!, mentions of abuse - of the HYDRA variety, mentions of panic attacks - of the Tony Stark variety, nevermind, these tags make it sound like an intense story...it's not that intense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-09
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-06-24 10:21:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 26,148
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15628626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lokidoki9/pseuds/lokidoki9
Summary: You've never known life beyond HYDRA, you've never needed to know it. Now you're faced with a new way of seeing the world and all of the people in it - including James Buchanan Barnes - who you had only ever known as The Winter Solider. The Avengers have given you the family you've never before had, but that doesn't mean you can forget the lessons you'd been taught your whole life.This will only be a relatively short story in terms of chapters, it has been on Tumblr for a while so if you recognise it - this is the same author!





	1. Chapter 1

It was hard, seeing him with her. 

 

They seemed so happy, so bright-eyed and fresh in their relationship. 

 

You couldn’t fault him for falling, she was everything he needed. Someone to help him heal. His body had been battered time and time again, but it was his wounded mind that needed the most attention. Little by little, he was getting better. You couldn’t say he was acting more like ‘the old Bucky’, you never knew ‘40s Bucky, you’d only heard the stories from Steve. But you never needed to know what he used to be like, you liked this new Bucky just fine…he was more than enough for you. He _would_ _have_ been more than enough, if he were yours to begin with. 

 

But he wasn’t.

 

He’d found himself a nice girl and they had been together for a few months now. Not long enough for them to tone down the PDA, and not short enough for you to think they were simply holding hands whenever they went up to Bucky’s room in the Tower. It was a special kind of pain, the kind that only those who had felt it before could fully understand. 

 

And you had _never_ felt it before. Perhaps that was why you were so conflicted.

 

You were happy for him, weren’t you? That’s what love was, wanting the best for the one you loved. Perhaps you were selfish, but every time they entered a room together, you left it. Every time he spoke about her with that small smile on his face, you’d look away. Like a scorned lover, you didn’t like the thought of him with anyone else…but you had to remind yourself that you weren’t a scorned lover. You were nothing. 

 

Just a friend who had helped him when he was at his lowest. When Steve first brought him to you, he thought your experience of being an ex-HYDRA agent would help Bucky in recovering. Shuri had done her job where the mental manipulation was involved, but it was up to you to get him settled into life after ‘The Winter Soldier’. You had both been used in different ways, and you had earned your place within S.H.I.E.L.D and the Avengers, which made you a perfect candidate in Steve’s eyes. 

 

Unfortunately, Bucky hadn’t shared his old friend’s feelings. He was wary initially after finding out who you were, but the months of talking and listening about each of your experiences had earned you a special place in his heart - one you still didn’t know about. 

 

He never spoke at first, so you did instead. He knew more about you and your secrets than anyone else you had met in your life. You hated the vulnerability it would usually bring, but talking to Bucky felt different. He wasn’t an agent or doctor trying to figure you out for their own benefit, he was just someone who had also done some things he wasn’t proud of, and it was nice to talk about it without fearing the judgement that usually followed.

 

In time, he started to smile again. And if that wasn’t the single greatest smile you had ever seen, then you really didn’t know what was. The feelings came quickly, it hadn’t even surprised you when you realised. Who wouldn’t fall for him? Not only had some of his charm returned, in flirty comments and sweet compliments every now and then, but there was something more to him, something you couldn’t find in most men. He had experienced so much in his long life, and with that came a special sort of trust.

 

You didn’t know why you trusted him so easily considering your own past, but after everything he had been through, all those bad experiences had made him a better man - a man who could never be like the monsters who had torn his life apart. Weaker men would have let it consume them until they were nothing more than a byproduct of all the evil forced upon them. But Bucky wasn’t weak, and he wasn’t evil. He was a damn good man, honourable and kind, and it really was impossible not to fall for him. 

 

But you hated how you felt. Perhaps you’d embrace it more had he felt the same about you, but now it was more a burden than anything else.  

 

When Sam had offered to take Bucky out that one night a few months ago, you had never expected that he’d actually find someone. He had been so against leaving the Tower, insisting that he was more than happy just staying back with you and watching a movie or something. That didn’t happen, and it would be a lie to say you hadn’t thought about how things might have turned out if it _did_. 

 

_She_ wouldn’t be there.

 

You internally scolded yourself whenever you thought badly of her. It wasn’t her fault that Bucky had developed those feelings, she was a nice girl - a teacher. Not a former HYDRA agent, not someone who had killed without flinching, not someone who had more demons on her back and skeletons in her closest than Satan himself. She was almost perfect.

 

No one was truly perfect, after all. But she was as close as one could get. Pretty, with a big family, steady job and sweet disposition. 

 

_It’s good. She’s good for him. She_ ** _is_**.

 

**_Inhale, exhale, repeat._ **

 

Your eyes chanced a glance toward the living room where she was tucked into Bucky’s side on the couch, his prosthetic arm resting along the back of the couch behind her head. You rolled your eyes when she gasped loudly at the shitty horror movie playing on the TV. Even Bucky snorted, but it didn’t feel like much of a small victory when they shared a small smile and she leaned further into his embrace. 

 

**_Inhale, exhale, repeat._ **

 

“Y/N?” 

 

You barely heard your name being called, and only looked over to the source when Bucky’s own gaze snapped to the newcomer. 

 

You smiled warmly, and Steve returned it before nodding his head back in a silent request to follow - he didn’t want to interrupt the movie, even if the credits were about to start rolling. You were all too eager to get out of there, and now that you finally had an excuse that didn’t seem suspicious to a highly trained assassin, you took the opportunity. 

 

“Hey, Steve.”

 

“Hey, sorry about that.” He jerked a thumb toward the room they had just left, before looking at you in concern. “Are you…are you alright?”

 

You almost rolled your eyes, but you knew he meant well. Steve had been the only person you told about your feelings. He knew exactly what it was as soon as you approached him with what you called _‘a weird feeling, but in a good way, I guess’_. Steve was stunned at the revelation, but he knew he shouldn’t have been - Bucky always had a way with the ladies. He was more surprised by your own feelings.

 

He couldn’t describe the anger he felt when he thought about it, but Steve was aware that you hadn’t known love growing up. Not the gentle embrace of a parent, nor the laughter of friends, and definitely no romantic connections. Nothing was more important than your mission. _Nothing._

 

So this was the first time Steve had ever seen you express such feelings, and even then they were never obvious. You were so guarded and passive, like a stone statue whenever _she_ came around. The sympathy would hit Steve full force whenever you had to endure it. This was the first time you truly cared about someone romantically, and he didn’t want it to be the last time. You were a beautiful woman who had endured more than anyone ever should, you deserved happiness just as much as Bucky did. He just wished that Bucky would realise that he _wasn’t_ bad for you, that you didn’t _want_ the ‘better’ he thought you deserved. You only wanted _him_.

 

…just like he wanted _you_.

 

“I’m fine, Steve.” You smiled reassuringly, and he knew he had to let it go. Steve sighed, and your brows furrowed at how utterly exhausted he looked as he did. 

 

“Are _you_ okay?” 

 

He shot you a half-hearted smile, shaking his head lightly as if saying it wasn’t important.

 

“I’m fine, Y/N.” He parroted your earlier response, happy to see an amused grin on your face, even if it quickly slipped away. 

 

“Alright, fine. It sucks but I have to deal with it.” 

 

“And I’m tired, but these HYDRA bases aren’t gonna shut themselves down.”

 

You shared a laugh. Steve was always big on communication where you were involved, he insisted that you never hid how you were feeling around him. There was no need for it, you could be honest with him and he would be honest in return. It took you a long time to learn, but you suspected he kept trying because of Natasha. She knew you found it hard to trust others, but she also knew Steve would end up being one of the few you did trust. He was good for you, someone who taught you what it was like to be…human. Natasha was protective, but she had a similar upbringing and couldn’t offer the compassion that you desperately needed to be exposed to. So Steve was naturally her first choice. 

 

“What do you need, Steve?”

 

His pale eyes locked onto your own and you saw the sympathy in them.

 

“I need your help.”

* * *

You didn’t want to be there. 

 

Despite the fact that you had no right to feel this way, you couldn’t help the irritation that had swelled within you at the thought of Bucky, not after seeing them together earlier. 

 

It had been relatively quiet after your chat with Steve so you assumed _she_ had gone home. Perhaps Bucky had gone with her - you scowled at the thought.

 

**_Inhale, exhale, repeat._ **

 

These moments scared you, when your mind would automatically revert back to what it used to be, calculating the best way to get what you wanted - no matter the cost. You couldn’t think that way, in fact you hadn’t in a long while, but she brought out the worst in you. HYDRA had always told you what you needed, and to take it by any means necessary. Now your own mind was telling you what you needed, and it was only natural for you to once more take it by any means necessary. It’s what you were made to do. 

 

But you weren’t like that anymore.

 

_Steve would be disappointed, so would Natasha…_

 

Your shoulders slumped and you could breathe again.

 

Steve was the one who go you into this mess in the first place. He approached you with a mission, one he couldn’t personally help you with. You were going to hit the two remaining HYDRA facilities in the U.S. at the same time, because one of them was housing some valuable intel and you couldn’t risk hitting the wrong one and losing a lead it had taken 8 months to obtain. 

 

Luckily, there were only a handful of HYDRA agents loyal to the cause, so far the facilities had all been abandoned or they only had 4 or 5 guards. So Steve and Sam would be heading to Arizona, while you would be making your way to Boston. Unfortunately, you wouldn’t be going alone.

 

_“I need you to take Bucky with you.”_

 

_Your jaw clenched and you glared down at your fingers._

 

_“Y/N, I’m serious. I know it’s hard, but we can’t wait for Nat and you can’t go in alone. You need Bucky, alright?” Steve pleaded, a hand gently squeezing your shoulder. You met his pale gaze and sighed._

 

_“Alright, Steve.”_  

 

So here you were, standing outside Bucky’s bedroom. You knocked at the door lightly, not really expecting a response, but when you got one you wished you hadn’t.

 

“Oh! Hey, Y/N.” She smiled sweetly, but you only cocked a brow and ignored the sharp pain in your chest when you realised she was only wearing a shirt. _His_ shirt. 

 

“Hi…” Your brows burrowed slightly, and she seemed to sense your discomfort. 

 

“Are you alright?” She reached out in concern but your arm darted away quickly and she flinched in surprise. 

 

“Woah! Hey, it’s alright.” Bucky appeared at the door, gently nudging his girlfriend out of the way. 

 

He smiled gently as he reassured you, knowing that you didn’t like strangers touching you, just like he didn’t. It took time for you to warm up to people, and she wasn’t one of the few you liked enough to allow contact. She watched you warily, but you were used to the strange looks that people sometimes gave you when you avoided a handshake, or dodged a hug. 

 

“If you’re not busy tomorrow, I need you to-“

 

“Oh, actually we’re heading upstate tomorrow. It’s my grandpa’s 92nd birthday and Bucky’s meeting my family.” She smiled widely, squeezing Bucky’s arm in her excitement. 

 

Bucky forced a smile as he looked down at her, but you just stared blankly. You didn’t care whose birthday it was, Steve said you needed to take Bucky, so you were going to take Bucky. You weren’t risking your life so that ‘grandpa’ could meet someone he probably went to school with!  

 

“I’m sure he’ll make it for the 93rd.” You waved her off in dismissal, and Bucky could have laughed at your blunt nature if it hadn’t been for the disapproval he could all but _feel_ seeping out of his girlfriend’s skin. He knew you meant no harm, but sometimes that was lost on others who didn’t know about your past.  

 

Bucky felt the tug on his arm and his brows furrowed at the pointed look she was shooting him. It took him a few moments to understand, but eventually he sighed, brows evening out as he resisted an eye roll.

 

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but I can’t make it tomorrow.” He had to force the words past his lips, and his teeth ground together when he saw the confused disappointment flash across your face for a split second. He hated disappointing you. 

 

“But-“

 

“Just ask Steve, I’m sure he’d be happy to help.” The door swung shut before he changed his mind and he hated himself more in that moment than ever before.

 

“-I need you…” Your shoulders slumped, an odd scratchy feeling settling in your throat and a strange pressure building in your nose as you stared at the door. 

* * *

You probably should have told Steve that you were blatantly defying his orders, but there was no time. You were upset after seeing Bucky. It hurt. 

 

Talking was not something you wanted to do with anyone, even Steve. If Bucky wanted to go to some stupid family gathering then he could. You wouldn’t beg him, you didn’t _need_ him. You had survived on your own for decades, HYDRA had taught you how to work alone, trusting others to do a job when lives were at risk was foolish. No one wanted to die, and they wouldn’t hesitate to sacrifice you if it meant saving themselves. So no, you didn’t tell Steve, you didn’t _need_ to.

 

Until you _did_. 

 

Boston was a big city, it was foolish to assume that this facility would follow the trend seen in small towns across the country - small and inconspicuous. This was a big building, and there were a lot of people. The moment you took out one of the agents and slipped into their uniform - the old uniform you once had to wear - you felt the air thinning around you. You were gasping, clawing at your chest in panic.

 

The memories flashed before your eyes, of similar hallways and terrible teachers. Beatings and darkness, you were locked away in a small cage when you misbehaved, they would strike you if you opened your mouth out of turn. How did you not recognise it? The place they kept you. You always told yourself you wouldn’t come back, but you never knew where ‘back’ was until now. You needed to leave. 

 

You needed to leave _now_.

 

It was a panic attack, Bucky had them too, you remembered.

 

_Bucky…_

 

**_Inhale, exhale, repeat._ **

 

You remembered his smile.

 

**_Inhale, exhale, repeat._ **

 

When your eyes finally refocused on their surroundings you noticed two men approaching your slumped form leaning against the wall. Their hands hovered over the holsters strapped to their thighs, and you heard them call out to you but you couldn’t discern the words. 

 

You needed to leave this place. 

 

When they were within arms distance, you didn’t hesitate. The adrenalin was enough to spur you into an attack neither of them had seen coming. It didn’t take long to render them unconscious with a few well placed hits, and you were quick to take a hand gun. Everything moved in a blur, your disorientation masking even the blaring alarm that tore through the silence, and it was only then that you realised you had been caught. 

 

There were too many people, and they must have known where you were by now. There was no way out and you couldn’t…you _couldn’t_ go back. They wouldn’t kill you, and you couldn’t stay there alive. 

 

**_Inhale, exhale, repeat._ **

 

You could try to contact Steve or Sam, but they had their own mission to complete and if they aborted now, there was no guarantee they’d get another chance any time soon. Nat was also not an option, and you knew that realistically, only one other person was close enough to get you out of this mess. It would take time, but he could find you.

 

You knew he could. 

* * *

 

 

Bucky was uncomfortable.

 

They couldn’t tell, and neither could his girlfriend, but her whole family was putting him on edge. From the little old lady who had wrapped him in a hug at the door, to the screaming kids who kept poking and prodding his prosthetic arm. He felt the sweat form on the back of his neck, his heart racing and eyes darting toward every available exit throughout the whole affair. 

 

He hated this. 

 

Why did he agree to this? He didn’t want to be here, he didn’t even want to meet these people. She’d been a distraction at first, just someone he had pretended to take an interest in to get Sam off of his back - he knew Sam meant well, he only wanted what was best for him even if he would never admit it- but this was not what he had wanted. Unfortunately, Sam had taken his interest in the woman seriously and had organised a date for them. It was nice of him, but Bucky had no idea what to do. 

 

Months had passed and Bucky still had no idea how to tell this woman that while he did like her, and perhaps in another lifetime he could have had this with her, he had no interest in making this his life. She was trying to steer him into domestic bliss and that just wasn’t him. 

 

His life was at the Tower, his heart was at the Tower…in more ways than one. But he couldn’t have that, he couldn’t have _you_. You had been through so much already, you were the one that deserved a happy and normal family, not him. He had all that once before, you didn’t. The last thing you needed was someone like him, a broken man who woke up screaming in the middle of the night.  

 

_That’s why you’re here. You need to stay away from her._

 

His knee jerked up when he felt a vibration, slamming into the dinner table accidentally and bringing a sudden halt to all conversations. He shifted uncomfortably under the family’d bewildered stares, but smiled apologetically. 

 

“I’m sorry, just gotta take a quick phone call.”

 

Nana waved her hand dismissively, and everyone went back to their chatter as Bucky excused himself and looked down to see who was calling him. 

 

He knew he shouldn’t answer, it would be rude and he was supposed to be getting over you. He couldn’t keep doing this, he needed to let go of the silly idea. But it wasn’t so easy to let go of feelings, and he had too many of those to just forget about. _This is the last time_ , he told himself as he hit the green button. 

 

_“Hello?”_

* * *

“Bucky…”

 

There was shouting in the background, not the type that would usually set you on edge, the happy kind. Kids cheering and adults laughing. Okay, so it _was_ the kind that set you on edge.  

 

_“Hello? Y/N? I can’t hear you.”_ Bucky shouted into the phone, his tone holding traces of a smile -if that was even possible. Under other circumstances, it would have simultaneously broken your heart and made you smile. But you could feel it settling in your stomach…the realisation that there might not be a way out of this one. 

 

_“Who is it?”_ A familiar voice called out to Bucky.

 

_“Y/N, but I can’t hear a thing.”_

 

_“You’ll call her back later, come on! We’re about to cut the cake!”_ She encouraged excitedly.

 

No, no, you didn’t have a ‘later’. You needed him _now_. God, this was not a good situation and your panic had completely overtaken any logical thought. You’d beg if you had to, something you’d never done before. 

 

“Bucky…Buck, I-I need…please, I need y-“

 

But Bucky didn’t answer. Instead, the only thing you could hear over your own heart pounding in your ears, was the droning after he hung up. It _hurt_. It hurt _so much_. The sound echoed all around you, seemingly bouncing off the very walls that surrounded you. You tore the earpiece out, but it did nothing to silence the noise.

 

It continued to screech in your ear even as the device clattered to the floor.

 

As you fell to your knees.

 

As your shaky fingers reached up to your chest.

 

As your brows furrowed.

 

And as you looked up the shooter you had been too late to see. 

 

You knew now, that Steve was right. You did need Bucky.

 

But Bucky was not coming, and even if he did…he wouldn’t like what he found.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An unlikely hero, a misunderstanding, and for Bucky…well, it’s not good. This had a life of its own, like I don’t even know how we got to where this thing ended! And for that reason, I have mixed feelings about it.
> 
> Also, angst. Lots of that.
> 
> For anyone interested in my other oneshots etc. my tumblr account is 'ofheroesandvillains' and can be found here... https://ofheroesandvillains.tumblr.com 
> 
> But if you don't have tumblr and want me to post them here as well, that's cool too! Thanks for reading :)

By the time your head hit the floor, your eyes were unseeing. You could barely hear it, but there was noise all around you, no longer the loud droning, but shouts of pain and the thundering of gunfire. You didn’t know when the chaos came to a halt, nor did you know why…but soon only silence remained. Peaceful silence, and the slowing thump of your heart in your ears.

At least until a familiar voice was breaking through the haze. You knew him, you _trusted_ him. It sounded distant, like he was underwater or in another room altogether, but you felt the cool metal hand applying pressure to your wound and you knew that no matter what came now, you were safe. You could die here, but he would not leave you here. You were going home.

Someone had actually come for you. Never before had you expected anyone to come to your rescue, it wasn’t how HYDRA did things. But this was not HYDRA, and even when the one you trusted most had let you down, he wouldn’t.

_I need you to notify Mass General, they’ll need to operate immediately…_

_Call Steve when you’re done with that…_

_And FRIDAY? Tell Pepper I can’t make dinner tonight._

“Tony…”

Dark and terrified eyes assessed the damage, but he wouldn’t -couldn’t- accept the reality before him.

“Hold on, kid…I’ve got you.”

There was a lot of blood. Too much. It didn’t take a genius to understand that something major had been hit, and the bullet in your chest told him all he needed to know about your chances.

“T-Ton-“

“No, no, don’t speak!” He quickly shushed you, but not unkindly. “Just- we’re gonna be alright, okay? We’re going to be _just_ fine…just **inhale, exhale and repeat** …remember? Can you do that for me?”

You couldn’t see his eyes gloss over, nor could you hear the tremble in his voice.

But you did remember, and he hoped to whoever was listening, that the smile you tried to send him wasn’t the last he’d ever see you wear.

* * *

He’d felt this fear before, but each time felt more and more intense than the last. To quite literally be holding someone’s life in your hands was something that Tony Stark never wanted to have to do again. It was a miracle, plain and simple, that you had survived the flight over to Massachusetts General Hospital. But it had been an uphill battle for the past two hours. The only call he had taken was the one from Pepper, he couldn’t stand to even think of the others right now.

It may have been petty, but Tony hoped that they could feel even a trace of the fear he felt when he carried your half-dead body to the hospital. They’d be there soon anyway, they’d see the state you were in for themselves.

Tony rubbed at his chest absentmindedly. He’d seen you flatline twice now, and he wasn’t sure how much longer his own heart would hold out under these conditions. Where the hell was everyone? Steve and Natasha were usually the ones who watched over you. But Tony wouldn’t deny that you had grown on him, and he was protective in his own way. He looked after _everyone_ in his own way, silently and thoroughly. Tony had eyes and ears everywhere, and even though he’d never admit it, he’d go to extreme lengths to keep his friends safe.

But you were different. Naive and innocent when it came to life outside of HYDRA, and Tony knew the team watched over you more intently for that reason. His blunt honesty and sense of humour meant you gravitated toward his lab in the early days, and he found your curiosity refreshing. You had so much to learn about normalcy that Tony took it upon himself to provide you with things you had never been allowed to have before, like the flatscreen in your room, or the pop tarts you had hidden away from Thor. It was coincidentally like having an Asgardian to cater for, and Tony secretly enjoyed seeing the amazement on your face whenever he gave you something new.

Underneath the hardened exterior that HYDRA had hand-crafted, you were just a kid who had been forced to grow up too fast by the monsters who raised you.  

So why the hell had you been allowed to enter an active HYDRA facility _alone_ , in the middle of a huge city that you knew nothing about? Tony had been fuming for hours now, pacing the room like a wild animal when they initially rolled you into the operating room, but now it was silently bubbling beneath the surface as he watched the procedure. It seemed to drag on for days, but these were some of the finest surgeons in the United States, or so they had told him.

Tony didn’t even care to turn around when the door was thrown open, the sheer strength behind the push slamming it into the wall loudly.

Steve was panting when he finally came to a halt. He was notified as soon as he and Sam had retrieved the information they needed. It made Tony even angrier, knowing that you were in this situation for no reason. You wouldn’t have found anything in that facility regardless, and had Steve even bothered to notify him of the mission, he could have gone instead. In fact, why _hadn’t_ he been notified about this?

“How is she?”

“How do you think she is?” Tony tried to snap, but his voice was hardly a whisper. The narrow-eyed glare he turned on Steve was more disappointed than anything else, and the soldier felt it like a punch to the gut. Tony Stark was not one to reveal his emotions so easily, often hiding behind the usual mask of sarcastic comments and faux arrogance. But this was something Steve didn’t see often - genuine fear.  

“How did you find her?” Steve asked softly, worried eyes following Tony’s gaze and settling on the bloodied body surrounded by equally bloodied hands of healing.

Tony sighed, taking a deep breath that betrayed his exhaustion. His glassy eyes finally blinked, and he felt the sting that came with staring for too long.

“I have FRIDAY monitoring her vitals. I was notified as soon as she was in distress.” Tony explained, uncharacteristically solemn. He used to help you with your panic attacks - _inhale, exhale, repeat_ \- it was his mantra after the attack on New York, and it was something you had adopted. So he had FRIDAY keep an eye on you when he wasn’t around, just in case you had an episode.

Tony’s brows furrowed when he finally asked what had really been on his mind. “What were you thinking, Cap? Sending her in there alone?”

Steve could feel the billionaire’s frustration mounting, and he had no doubt that if you’d been in a more stable condition, his anger would have overflowed a long time ago. He could see how agitated Tony was with the whole situation, it was something that had been easily avoidable. It landed one of their friends in the ICU, in critical condition and Steve had to agree…what _was_ he thinking? But there was another thought at the back of his mind too…where was Bucky?

He knew you would have asked him to accompany you, he could see the sincerity in your eyes when you told him you would. You weren’t going in alone, or at least that’s what he had been led to believe. So, _where was Bucky?_

“She wasn’t supposed to be alone…”

“Well she was.” Tony bit back.

“I didn’t _know_ , Tony.” Steve’s voice grew firm, lips pursing as Tony’s eyes darted over his features in search of something. “Bucky was suppose to-”

The billionaire’s features evened out in realisation before he scoffed.

“Really? Barnes? _That’s_ who you wanted to send her into a HYDRA base with?” He asked sarcastically.

“He’s been cleared for duty, and he’d keep her safe-“ Steve tried to defend.

“Safe? Is that what this is?” Tony threw his arms out in question and Steve’s responses grew more forceful as Tony’s anger mounted. If he’d keep you safe, why were you on an operating table barely clinging onto life? He knew things hadn’t been the same between them ever since he found out about his parents, that much was expected. But they didn’t need to keep their distance when they were recklessly risking lives.

“I _didn’t know_ , Tony.” There was a warning in Steve’s words that would have deterred anyone else, but not Tony Stark. He was blaming himself enough, he didn’t need Tony to make things even harder on him.

“You could have told _me_.” Tony’s thumb and forefinger came up to press against his eyelids, desperately trying to rein in his frustration. “You could have told me about your little plan, and I could hav-“

“You had the conference, and we didn’t want to bothe-“

That did it.

“You are _lucky_ I had that conference, or she’d be dead!” Tony shouted, the veins in his neck pulsing as he angrily pointed toward the glass separating them from their friend.

_A conference?_ It was weak and they both knew it, just like they both knew the real reason Steve was keeping Tony out of the loop. Additionally, he felt guilty taking Tony away from Pepper nowadays, especially after Tony had told him about their temporary break a few years back, but damn it! Lives were at stake here, Pepper wouldn’t leave him because he spent a few hours making sure his friends were safe!  

They stared at each other for a long moment, shoulders tense and jaws clenched. They both knew it was true. There was no way Tony would have been able to reach you if he hadn’t been at MIT that day. Tony shook his head in defeat, his shoulders slumping.

“Damn it, Steve…”

Steve’s eyes dropped to the floor as Tony left the room for the first time since he had arrived. Steve sighed for what seemed like the hundredth time that day, slowly making his way closer to the glass that separated him from you.

His jaw clenched, a crease forming between his brows as he watched the doctors operate. He’d been here before, this scene was familiar to him, but this time it was more personal than ever before. This time it wasn’t an act to fake a death. This time, he could really lose someone he considered one of his closest friends. The anger churned in his stomach, mixing with the concern and desperation that had found a home there too.

You were his responsibility.

And this one was on him. He should have made sure you weren’t alone, he should have made sure Bucky had gone with you. He should have double checked that facility…there were a lot of things he should have done. He’d jumped the gun on this one, so eager to finally have HYDRA on the ropes, that he’d been careless.

The door to the room was thrown open, and Steve’s eyes squeezed shut when he heard the familiar clacking of heels. Like they had four years ago, her feet swiftly carried her to stand beside him, and he heard her breath catch in her throat at the sight beyond the clear glass separating them.

“How-" It was all she could force past her lips and Natasha swallowed thickly.

“Nat…” Steve trailed off, not knowing what to say when her wide, glossy eyed looked to him for answers.

The truth was, he didn’t have any answers to give her.

Only questions, and one in particular-

Where the _hell_ was Bucky Barnes?

* * *

The drive to Boston was taking a lot longer than Bucky had anticipated. Every minute seemed to drag on for hours, his rapid heartbeat ticking each of them down until he finally reached his location. He hated being left in the dark, but that’s exactly what was happening. Sam hadn’t given him any details, he had sounded distracted, tired and despondent when he called earlier. All Bucky knew was that there had been some complications with a mission, and that the team were all gathering at Massachusetts General - that alone told him someone was seriously hurt.

But it was Sam’s hesitation that had truly terrified him.

_“Who is it?”_

_His question was met with a quiet sigh, and if it hadn’t been for the fact that he could hear Steve talking to someone in the background, Bucky would have feared for his best friend. Instead, an even more unsettling thought came to mind._

_“Sam? Sam, **who is it?** ”  _

_He was met with silence, and he **knew**. He knew exactly who it was._

_“I’m sorry, man. Just get here as fast as you can.”_

As fast as he could, wasn’t fast enough. Bucky was beyond fear at that point. Steve wasn’t answer his calls (and Steve always answered his calls), no one was, and his mind replayed the last time he saw you on a loop. The hurt and confusion marring your beautiful features, right before he slammed a door in your face. The moment he had done it, the regret hit him full force and he told himself that he would never do something as cowardly and rude ever again. Especially not to you.

So the moment his gir- his _ex_ , had snatched the phone out of his hand and hung up on you, he saw red.

_“What the hell are you doing?”_

_She flinched back when she heard the anger in his voice. She couldn’t remember a single time he had directed such feelings toward her, but she wouldn’t back down._

_“You can call back later, Bucky.” She answered calmly._

_It was rude, she knew that. But every time his face lit up at the sight of your face or the sound of your voice, she couldn’t help but feel a stab of pain in her chest. She tried to rationalise. You were Bucky’s friend, he cared about his friends more than anything…but his eyes didn’t linger on the others like they did on you. His face didn’t drop in disappointment whenever Steve left the room, so why did he stare after you like you were never coming back?_

_She wasn’t immune to jealousy, and seeing him grin so brightly when your name lit up his screen - after seeing all of the forced smiles he had been giving her family all night…it made her mad._

They continued to argue, back and forth until she finally threw her hands up in surrender and left for bed early. He tried to call you back as soon as he was alone, but you didn’t answer. He tried over and over again, but nothing.

Eventually he gave up, heading up to bed himself and trying to ignore the worry worming its way into his mind.  

His girlfriend hadn’t been too happy at receiving a call in the early hours of the morning, but Bucky didn’t care. She had scolded him for wanting to leave without saying goodbye to her family, but the apprehension he felt after the call had left him on edge and he really didn’t have time for her objections. The fight they’d had after dinner was enough to ensure that they both went to bed mad, and the call drove the final nail into the coffin.

He knew something was wrong, he _knew_ it. He shouldn’t have ignore his instincts.

_“Oh my god! What is your problem?” She shouted in a mix of anger and astonishment. Watching Bucky turn the whole room upside down in search of his stuff (the stuff that the kids had apparently decided to hide) was not how she expected the early morning to go. The place was a complete mess and her mother would have a heart attack if she saw the state of it all._

_“Not now.” Bucky growled, roughly shoving his clothes into the small duffle he had brought along with him. He was in a foul mood to begin with, he didn’t need her to add to it with all of her demands._

_“Are you going somewhere?” He didn’t have to see her to know that she was crossing her arms over her chest in preparation for another argument. When he made no move to answer, she tried to force his hand._

_“You **know** we promised to take my niece and nephew to the fair today.”_

_He couldn’t care less about her bratty niece and nephew, he couldn’t care less about some stupid fair. His girl was in trouble, he didn’t know how bad it was, and the fact that he wasn’t there with her, made him sick to his stomach. He should have been there. Why **wasn’t** he there? Why was he wasting his time with these strangers?_

_“Hello? Can you stop?!” She ripped the shirt out of his hands before he could force it into the overflowing duffle bag, and his shoulders tensed dangerously when she raised her voice._

_Bucky felt the shift in the air around him, flashes of dark rooms and abusive handlers, of raised voices and raised fists…He was breathing erratically, but she was too angry to notice, shoving his shoulder roughly when he still refused to give her the attention she wanted._

_“Damn it, Bucky! Why can’t you just let them handle it alone for onc-“_

_“Because I love her!” He roared back, losing control for the first time in over a year and driving his fist straight through the wall beside her head._

_She screamed, the terror held within the sound tore him out of his fear-induced haze and his eyes softened in regret when he saw tears gather in her own. She cowered away as if he were a monster, and he really couldn’t blame her. He had never laid a hand on a woman, never even thought about it - at least not while he was able to think for himself. He was almost as terrified as she was at his outburst._

_“Oh god…I-I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t-” He trailed off, not knowing what else to say. There was nothing that could excuse his actions._

_She was sobbing now, a mix of heartbreak and terror, and Bucky could hear movement from down the hall. He had to leave. He had to leave, now._

_“I-I’ll go. I’m so sorry…”_

Bucky’s jaw ached from how tightly it was clenched.

Needless to say, his relationship with her was over the moment he had raised a hand. He was disgusted with his actions, but even then it wasn’t his first priority, despite the guilt that flooded him. It was for the best. She deserved a normal guy who cared about her the way he couldn’t…Bucky felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders, while simultaneously settling in his stomach.

He tried to replay the events in his mind over and over, just to take his mind off of the fact that he was driving to MGH. You were in hospital. You were hurt. You could have been dying and he wouldn’t even know it. He should have been there. He shouldn’t have been at some stupid family gathering. He should never have left the Tower, never have left _you_.

_God, what if- what if you-_

He couldn’t breathe.

Bucky jerked the steering wheel to the side, bringing the car to a sharp halt and ignoring the angry beeps of the car he had cut off in the process.

He could feel the panic attack approaching, and wouldn’t only be risking his own life if he continued driving in his current state.  

But the questions continued to flash through his mind relentlessly, and he heard the steering wheel crack under his fingers.

* * *

  
“I know you want to be here just in case, but you’re no good to anyone half asleep.”

Natasha’s eyes snapped open, and she mentally scolded herself for drifting off. She was taught better than that.

“I’m not leavi-“

“I spoke to one of the nurses, the next room over is empty. I’ll wake you up if anything happens, alright?” Steve reassured her.

Natasha forced a half-smile, but Steve knew she was silently grateful. “Alright.”

They traded spots, Steve settling onto the couch and Natasha making her way out. She paused at the door, looking over her shoulder with a small frown.

“You know it’s not your fault, right?”

Steve’s pale eyes shot up to her in question, and she nodded over to your unconscious form. He followed her gaze and his eyes softened. The oxygen mask alone, made you look weaker than he had ever seen you. It was real hard to convince himself that it wasn’t his fault, when you were only there because of a mission he had asked you to complete for him.

“Yeah, well…” He trailed off uncertainly. Natasha shot him a stern look.

“Don’t do this to yourself, Rogers.”

He nodded sheepishly, and Nat sent Sam a smile when she noticed him heading into your room.

“Finally convince her that even assassins need sleep?”

Steve smiled at the question, appreciating the fact that Sam was trying to lighten the mood.

“She’s in the next room over.”

“Better than nothing, I guess.” Sam whispered, taking a seat beside Steve on the small couch.

“Any word from Tony? He said something about checking the camera feeds earlier.” Steve inquired, brows furrowing when he sensed Sam’s hesitation.

“Sam?”

Sam entwined his fingers, elbows resting against his knees as he leaned forward in his seat.

“It’s probably for the best that Stark isn’t here right now…”

Steve straightened in his seat. “What happened?”

“Look, I’m not saying we should ignore it, but we gotta at least give him a chance to expl-“

“Sam.” Steve’s tone hardened, not interested in beating around the bush in their current situation. He didn’t know if things could get any worse, but the way Sam was tip-toeing around the subject made him think that it was a strong possibility.

“Alright.” He held his hands up in surrender. “She made a call, just before she…” Sam trailed off, gesturing to the hospital bed solemnly.

Steve frowned, but he knew there was more that Sam wasn’t telling him.

“Anyway, Tony pulled up the recording.” Sam reached into his pocket and held out his own phone. “Here, it’s…not easy to explain.”

Steve hit the play button and reluctantly brought the phone to his ear. In his rush to arrive at the hospital, he had left his own in the quinjet.

_“Hello?”_

_**“Bucky…”** _

_“Hello? Y/N? I can’t hear you.”_

_“Who is it?”_

_“Y/N, but I can’t hear a thing.”_

_“You’ll call her back later, come on! We’re about to cut the cake!”_

_**“Bucky…Buck, I-I need…please, I need y-“** _

Steve’s eyes were clamped shut as soon as the call was ended, but his expression clearly gave more away than he had anticipated.

“Come on, man. You know there’s no way he’d ignore something like this. I know you’ve seen it too.” Sam’s brows shot up pointedly. Everyone could see it. Bucky had been trained to hide all traces of emotion in his past, but there was only one person who couldn’t see how completely you held his attention whenever you entered a room. Unfortunately, that person was you.

But Steve still couldn’t wrap his head around it all. If Bucky knew where you were, if he knew you needed help, then where was he? Sam called him earlier and they knew he had been in New York, but what was he doing there in the first place? He was supposed to be with you, so why was he with _her_ instead?

Why hadn’t he even bothered to visit?

It wasn’t Steve’s place, but the thought of Bucky spending time with her while you fought for your life had renewed his anger all over again. He had nothing against Bucky’s new girl, but after watching you struggle through feelings you didn’t fully understand and ignoring said feelings just to keep Bucky happy…and then to find out that Bucky had ignored what Steve could only assume was an SOS.

Steve massaged the bridge of his nose. What a mess.

Bucky was a good man, maybe not the smartest sometimes, but a good man. There had to be a reasonable explanation for why Bucky himself hadn’t been the first to notify them that you were in danger. Of all the people you could have called in that moment, you had chosen Bucky, and Steve didn’t know how to feel about that. He was glad that you had swallowed your pride and called for help in the first place, but he couldn’t imagine how you must have felt begging for help that would never arrive.

You were supposed to be able to _trust_ them.

It broke Steve’s heart to know that if you ever did wake up, you would never see them in the same way again.  

* * *

Three nurses had tried and failed in getting Bucky to stop sprinting through the halls of the ICU, dodging visitors in a string of near-misses. Sam had already texted him the room number, and he wasn’t stopping for a damn thing until he reached the ‘4th door on the left’. Not until he saw you with his own eyes, not until he was sure you were still breathing.

_1…_

_2…_

_3…_

_4!_

Bucky burst through the door, but he was not prepared for the fists that latched onto his shirt and forced him back out into the quiet hallway before he could get a proper look at you. The sound of his back slamming against the wall echoed in the silence, and Bucky’s fingers instinctively tightened around his attacker’s wrists. His brain finally caught up to the quick sequence of events and he easily escaped the hold.

“What the hell!”

His wide eyes glared at his best friend, but softened in confusion when he recognised the look in Steve’s eyes. His lips were pursed and his brows were drawn together in barely concealed anger.

“Steve?”

“Where the hell have you been?”

Bucky was taken aback by the sheer anger in his best friend’s tone.

“Wha- I just…I was-“

“I don’t care.” Steve decided with a quick shake of his head. “In this team we look out for each other, and when you decide that a girl is more important than keeping your friends safe-“

“What? What are you talkin’ about?”

When had he _ever_ suggested such a thing? All they had to do was ask, and Bucky would have dropped everything to help them. And if Steve actually had the audacity to suggest that he was responsible for your current state -whatever that may be- it wouldn’t end well for anybody.

“The _mission_ , Buck. The mission _you_ should have been on!”

It sounded like an accusation and a scolding all wrapped in one, but Steve wasn’t making any sense and all Bucky wanted to do was see you.

“What mission?” He asked incredulously.

Steve paused at Bucky’s genuine bewilderment. He almost looked as lost as he had that day on the helicarrier, when his identity was first revealed to him. But you wouldn’t have lied to him, if you said you’d ask Bucky then you would have. So why did Bucky apparently have no idea about it?

“Steve?”

“She- She was supposed to ask you to go with her…she said she would on Friday night.” Steve’s voice had died down to a whisper, his eyes dropping to the floor, and Bucky knew he was thinking aloud now - trying to make sense of all this confusion.

“Friday? But she didn’t ask me any…”

_If you’re not busy tomorrow, I need you to-_

_Oh, actually we’re heading upstate tomorrow. It’s my grandpa’s 92nd birthday and Bucky’s meeting my family._

“Oh god.” Bucky breathed out.

“What?” Steve’s brows shot up in concern as soon as Bucky’s frame slouched against the wall in defeat, his right hand dragging across his tired features.

_I’m sorry, Y/N, but I can’t make it tomorrow._

_But-_

_Just ask Steve, I’m sure he’d be happy to help._

“Bucky?”

Steve’s voice silenced the memory, but he didn’t respond, not even when Steve moved to rest a reassuring hand on his best friend’s shoulder. Instead, Bucky shrugged him off, wordlessly evading a likely interrogation and entering the hospital room.

* * *

  
It was relatively quiet. The only sound was the steady and familiar beeping that also ensured his own heart kept beating. Your cold fingers were entwined with his own, the only source of warmth in your otherwise cold surroundings.

“C’mon, doll…please just-“ He sighed, eyes slipping shut. “Just come back to me…”

But you didn’t. You didn’t magically open your eyes like they always did in the movies, you didn’t squeeze his hand back, or give any indication that you were going to grant his wish whatsoever. It broke his heart all over again. Every time he would beg you, and every time he’d leave feeling a little more helpless than before.

“I need you.” He whispered, barely recognising the desperation in his own voice.  

Bucky’s eyes eased open, and he pressed a lingering kiss to the back of your hand. Never would he have dared to touch you like this before, unwilling to let you close only to inevitably hurt you in the end. But now, as he sat watching you fight for your life, there wasn’t a thing he wouldn’t do. Not a single thing, if it meant having you back.

He thought it would get easier with time, seeing you like this - it didn’t.

It had already been two weeks and they still had you strapped to all of their machines - but at least you were out of the ICU now. Dr Cho had been able to regenerate the soft tissue, but the damage on the inside was the real problem. The doctors said you’d wake up in your own time, but he knew the words that went unspoken…if you woke up _at all_.

Bucky had barely slept in those two weeks. He tried, he really did - Steve wouldn’t let him into your room otherwise. But if his nightmares didn’t keep him up, his own self-hatred did. You always helped him when it came to accepting the consequences of his actions, using your own experience as a guide. He called the Winter Soldier a monster and you told him that he was no such thing, that real monsters didn’t regret their actions. He recalled those conversations, clinging to them like a child holding on to the warm embrace of a mother. It made him feel safe, reassured him that things could get better. That he could _do_ more and _be_ more, to _make_ them better.

And he tried. He tried so hard to help whenever they needed him, to make up for all the bad he had done in his past. Yes, he knew deep down that he hadn’t willingly done those things, but that didn’t negate the guilt he constantly felt at the back of his mind. Nor did it save the lives that flashed before his eyes when he slept.

But now, as he watched the shallow rise and fall of your chest, he embraced the guilt. He let it eat at him, leaving nothing but worthlessness and sorrow that showed in the bags under his eyes and the unkempt beard he was starting to develop.

_It’s all your fault_ , the voice in the back of his head whispered.

And he knew it was true. Even on his road to redemption he had hurt someone he would have died for in a heartbeat. Why hadn’t he just listened to you? Why was he such a coward when you needed him that day?

He tried so desperately to stay away from you, to push you away so that the habit of hurting those he cared for most didn’t extend to you. He just wanted you to be happy, even if that meant he had to tear himself apart to ensure it. But that didn’t happen.

Instead, you had both found yourselves within these four sterilised walls in the same position he had always hoped to avoid. He wished you could trade places. If it meant you were safe, and he could breathe again, there was little he wouldn’t do.  

“Buck?”

He tilted his head in the direction of the doorway, but made no other move. Steve was just grateful to see any sort of response these days.

“It’s getting late, pal…” He sounded apologetic.

Bucky’s eyes flickered to the clock on the wall and he knew visiting hours were coming to an end. He usually stayed the night, but if Steve was there that was no longer an option.

He sighed in irritation, but Steve didn’t take it to heart. They all knew that Bucky didn’t like his time with you coming to an end. He didn’t trust that nothing would happen to you while he was gone, and he just wanted to be left alone in his misery.

His fingers reluctantly slipped away from your own and he gently lowered your hand to the bed.

Steve turned his eyes to the ground, trying to offer a semblance of privacy as Bucky inched the sheets up a little higher to keep you warm. His eyes looked as pained as they always did when he had to leave, and with a final stroke of his thumb over your knuckles, he was tearing himself away from your side for the first time in hours.

* * *

A few days went by and Steve grew more and more worried for his best friend. Bucky looked terrible, and the team knew that sitting by your bedside day in and day out was taking its toll. It did nothing but give him time to blame himself and worry about you. He hid his feelings and thoughts well, but Steve knew his friend had a big heart, and despite all of the women Bucky had charmed in the ‘30s and ‘40s, he never looked at a single one the way he looked at you.

The guilt was killing him.

So they came to a decision, and it was Natasha who had managed to convince him to finally leave. Despite the fact that she had also been checking in everyday, she volunteered to be the one to take Bucky on a mission. It was simple recon, nothing that his current state of mind could jeopardise - or Natasha’s for that matter. He had put up one hell of a fight, but Nat was a talented manipulator and the mere mention of a _woman_ going on a _mission_ _alone_ , was enough to pounce on his guilt.

It was _too_ similar, despite being completely different.

Coincidentally, the day he left was the day he had been waiting three weeks for.

Sam had almost dropped his water bottle when he noticed the crumpled sheets and empty hospital bed, but after bolting to retrieve Steve, they were both relieved to find you back in bed the moment they returned. One of the nurses was putting in a new IV with a look of disapproval on her face. But you didn’t react. You didn’t even blink as you stared down at your hands.

The moment you made no move to acknowledge them, Steve knew something was wrong. You’d sit still, staring down at your hands absently when you weren’t sleeping, and you still hadn’t uttered a single word. You still hadn’t even looked at them. Steve decided to wait until the others got back to tell them the news. He didn’t need them rushing back, especially when you were in this state. Maybe some time away would give you time to come around…

But things didn’t exactly go as planned.

Two days later, Bucky came back.

* * *

“You’re awake…”

The stunned whisper came from the door, but you paid him no mind. The past few days had been…you didn’t know. You didn’t know how to feel about anything. But that was nothing new. What _was_ new, was the conflict inside your mind.

Every time you closed your eyes you could feel a hole in your chest, hear the droning of a disconnected phone call, and taste the blood in your mouth. What you hadn’t considered was that the hole in your chest was both literally and figuratively there.

_Betrayed_. That was how you felt, and it was the only feeling you were familiar with. You felt like you were back with HYDRA, always looking over your shoulder and never trusting anyone but yourself. You placed your trust in them once, it had taken time and effort, but it had been done. 

_Never again_. 

Because when you needed them the most, they weren’t there. When you needed _him_ the most, he had literally slammed that door shut in your face.

It made you angry. The type of anger that your old SO would intentionally try to evoke in you. The dangerous kind of anger.

But perhaps what hurt most was that after all these years, after all the time you spent learning what it was like to be a normal human being, you realised that HYDRA was not entirely wrong - not like everyone else told you they were.

The moment you placed your life in someone else’s hands, you were dead. All of the lectures Steve had given you about teamwork and cooperation went down the drain. It was all well and good in theory, but you had felt yourself dying. You’d felt the laboured breathing, the searing pain that came with each one, and the terrifying realisation that you were alone. Just like you always had been. Nothing had changed.  

Bucky watched you with concerned eyes, not that you could see them. He wanted to rush into the room and hold you, just to make sure he wasn’t hallucinating. But Steve had already told him about your unresponsiveness. It was selfish of him to think that his presence would change that, but he felt a hint of disappointment when you didn’t even react to him.

Bucky reached for the hand he had held day and night for the past three weeks, but he didn’t not anticipate you avoiding his touch as well.

He ignored the pain he felt when your arm jerked away from him. You never had that reaction to him, not even when you had first met and he was a mere shell of a man. You always felt safe around him, you always trusted him. But as he watched you retreat back into yourself he knew…he _knew_ that the trust was no longer there. And that hurt more than he ever could have imagined.

He wanted to desperately meet your gaze, but you weren’t even trying to humour him. You just sat there, still as a statue, staring down at your hands.  

“Y/N…”

He ducked his head, desperate to finally see your eyes. You could be as impassive as you wanted, but the one thing that always gave you away was your eyes. But you knew that, so instead of letting him see the pain his presence caused you, you turned your head away and stared out of the window instead.

You could almost feel the disappointment flowing off of him, but you couldn’t look at him. You just couldn’t. But that didn’t mean you couldn’t listen.

“I know you don’t believe me, but there is _nothing_ I wouldn’t do for you.” His tongue darted over his dry lips nervously. “Even- Even if you never trust me again, or even if you don’t want to see me again…I just need you to know that.” Bucky forced the words out because they needed to be said, but that didn’t make thinking about it any easier. He never wanted to leave your side again, but that choice wasn’t up to him.

His hand reached out slightly, before snapping back to his side. It was his ritual every time he left your room in the past three weeks and he had to remind himself that it was no longer an option.

The woman he loved, couldn’t stand the sight of him. It hurt more than he could comprehend, but he would take your hatred if it meant you were alive and well. He’d do whatever you wanted him to, he owed you that much - or at least that’s what he told himself.

His sorrowful gaze mapped out the features of your face one last time before he forced himself to give you the space you wanted.

You clenched your jaw tighter with each step he took toward the door, not knowing what to make of the feelings inside you. 

_**Inhale, exhale, repeat.** _

There were too many of them. You loved him, but you felt betrayed by him…so why did it still hurt to see him walk away? It shouldn’t have, it was what you wanted. He had hung up on you as you begged him for help, and for what?

Some other girl.

_No_ , you thought, this was for the best. You didn’t _need_ him, and he didn’t _want_ you.

* * *

Tony returned when he heard you were finally conscious again. Steve could clearly hear the relief in his voice over the phone, and it was nice to have something -or in this case, _someone_ \- bring them together. Despite their disagreements every now and then, Steve missed having Tony around. He knew you did too.

It came as a surprise, though Steve supposed it really shouldn’t have, when you finally acknowledged someone.

“Well, you’re looking a lot better than the last time I saw you.” It was nice to see Tony smiling again, even if it was still lined with tension. The fear was gone, but Tony had heard about your condition and it made him wonder if you’d even care to see him.

For the first time since you had woken up, Steve watched your eyes flicker up to the man sitting on the edge of your bed. There was a spark of something he hadn’t seen in a while settling into your glassy eyes, and Tony frowned in concern when your lower lip wobbled.    

The hug caught him off-guard, and Tony stiffened at the contact, only relaxing when he felt the tremble in the arms around him. He knew you didn’t do physical contact, but actions spoke louder than words, and this was one of the loudest ‘thank you’s he had ever gotten. 

“Easy there, kiddo. You’re not fully healed up just yet.” He shot you a sad half-smile when he finally pulled away, relieving the pressure on your chest.

Tony’s looked back over his shoulder at a stunned Steve. “You mind giving us a sec?”

Steve’s gaze darted between the two before he nodded. “Sure.”

Tony turned back to face you with a small smile, listening to the retreating footsteps before he spoke up again.

“The doc tells me you’re not eating much.” His brows shot up pointedly, and you looked down like a child being scolded.

“I’ll make you a deal, kid.” Your eyes shot up curiously to the man who had saved your life. The only person who had come for you, despite not even being involved. “You try to eat a little more, and I’ll see about getting you transferred to the Tower.”

“No.” It was so quiet he barely heard it, but Tony’s brows shot up incredulously. Now you were refusing _food?_

“I’m sorry… _no?_ ”

“Not the Tower.” Your eyes begged him to understand.

He watched you for a moment, and you felt relief hit you the moment he _did_. Tony’s eyes softened, but that did nothing to negate the determination in them.

“Okay, _not_ the Tower.”

* * *

“Tony, what the hell?”

Steve watched the billionaire load your belongings into the car while you patiently waited in the passenger seat. He didn’t believe Nat when she told him the news, but he couldn’t deny it now.  

Tony didn’t even bother looking at the disapproving glare Steve had probably adopted.

“Oh good, you’re here.” Tony walked over, slipping something out of his back pocket and holding it out. “This is yours.”

Steve glanced down at the sleek device before looking back up at Tony in confusion.

“You’ve got her new number in there. I think it’d be best if we kept the contact to a minimum until she’s-“ Tony and Steve both winced when you threw your old cell phone out of the window. “-feeling better.”

Steve shook his head.

“Tony, you can’t just take her away because-”

“Right, let me stop you right there.” Tony held up a hand, before pointing at the car. “She asked for this, and to be honest, I don’t think it’s such a bad idea.”

Steve watched as you tore open a pack of pop tarts, a bittersweet smile settling on his features. He knew Tony was right. The only person you were currently interacting with was the billionaire - even Natasha was receiving the silent treatment. Time away from everyone was something you needed. It didn’t make sense to most people, but Steve knew you looked at them all collectively, when one wronged you, they all did - why? Because they were a team and Steve had always preached about the team working together. It seemed as if one of his lectures finally backfired.

It was a miracle you were talking to Tony at all, but he _did_ save your life. The trust was still there and as long as that was the case, Steve knew there was still hope. Hope that maybe one day you’d come back to them.

A strong hand squeezing his shoulder snapped him out of his thoughts.

“Don’t worry, Rogers, she’s in good hands.”

Steve nodded when he saw the sincerity in Tony’s gaze and accepted the situation for what it was.

“I know she is.”


	3. Chapter 3

He wished every morning could begin like this. There weren’t many nights where Bucky could genuinely sleep without a nightmare or memory tormenting him into an early start. But this was one of the rare few, and there was a reason for that.

He could feel your chest rise and fall, pressed against his own, while your head rested on his shoulder. At first he tried to shy away from you, knowing that his flesh shoulder would have probably been more comfortable, but you didn’t seem to care. Truthfully, he was grateful that you didn’t. His cybernetic arm had always been nothing more than a weapon, but now as it gently held you against him, he realised that maybe it could be more than that. Maybe it didn’t have to be a weapon, but rather a shield. Because he knew as well as everyone else did, that your nightmares were just as bad as his own. But not when you were with him…not when you wrapped yourself up in the same arm he initially tried to keep you away from.

It made you feel safe, and that was the only reason he hadn’t torn the damn thing off himself.

Bucky lips spread into an affectionate smile as he watched you sleep in peace. He didn’t know how long he spent laying there, pale eyes studying the same features they had traced a million times before, and would continue to trace a million times again.

His fingers seemed to have a mind of their own as they ghosted across the arch of your brow and trailed down your cheek. You only stirred when he started running those same fingers through your hair. Bucky knew you hadn’t experienced such sensations before, certainly not with HYDRA. Something as simple as a kiss or caress was once completely foreign to you, and he was honoured to be the only one you cared to share that intimacy with.  

You frowned softly, eyes slowly fluttering open to meet his loving gaze and his heart raced faster than ever. Even now, after all this time, you made him feel like there was no one else in the world…like it was just the two of you.

“Good mornin’, beautiful.”

He chuckled at the miserable groan he got in response, his hand rubbing soothing circles into your back, as if consoling you for your loss of sleep. His heart was already pounding, but the moment you buried your face in the crook of his neck and your lips accidentally grazed his pulse point, he was certain it would burst out of his chest. How long had he dreamt of this? Of holding you like this? Of waking up beside you?    

_Too long_. He thought he had ruined it all. But here you were, by his side and in his arms. Right where you were supposed to be.

He pressed a lingering kiss to the top of your head, and it seemed to be enough to finally coax you away from his neck. You looked up at him through sleepy eyes and smiled shyly.

“Hi.” He whispered teasingly, the plates in his arm shifting as he squeezed your side in reassurance. He loved the way you relaxed against him - trusting him enough to allow the proximity.

“Hi.”

Bucky smiled fondly at your soft reply. He couldn’t remember ever seeing you so at ease, so carefree and happy, like your past was merely a nightmare you had left behind the moment your eyes fluttered open. And for a moment he considered that perhaps… _perhaps_ it was possible that he made you feel the very same things you made _him_ feel. It was something he hadn’t believed before, that anyone could understand the unexplainable feeling he got whenever he looked at you. But maybe _you_ could. He _hoped_ you could.  

His knuckles brushed along your cheek, and when you showed no signs of discomfort, his lips soon followed. Slowly, gently, they trailed along your jaw. He was caught off-guard when your own lips shifted to meet his, but he didn’t falter.

Bucky groaned when he felt your fingers in his hair, and the moment you rolled onto your back, his body followed without second thought, as if your lips had him tethered to you. He was hyperaware of the body pressed against his own from head to toe, but at the same time his mind felt a million miles away. He didn’t want to think right now. He wanted to just enjoy the moment, to follow you wherever you led him.

He didn’t know if that was an option, but he’d make the most of the time he had.    

He finally turned his attention away from your lips, but was quick to redirect it to your neck instead. The way your breath caught in your throat had him groaning in desire. It was intoxicating, all of it. From the sounds you were making to the feel of you underneath him. So intoxicating that he didn’t notice before it was too late.

His time was up.  

“ **Bucky…Buck, I-I need…please, I need y-** “

He froze at the words -no, not at the words…at the way you said them. Like it was a struggle to even get them past your lips, like you were scared, like you were hurting. And your pain was his pain, it always would be.

Then he felt it, the moisture that was seeping through his shirt, clinging to his chest uncomfortably. His pale eyes snapped open, breath catching in his throat and heart pounding in his ears. This fear was foreign, one he hadn’t truly felt in a long time. One that wasn’t for _himself_ \- but for the one he loved.

It overwhelmed him, burrowing beneath his skin, and the shocked cry that left him sounded just as foreign as the emotions he felt.

_This isn’t real._

“No… _no_ …”

He flung himself away and onto the opposite side of the bed, scrambling for a hold onto reality as he tried to look at anything but you. His hands were soaked, he didn’t know how, but the metallic stench that seemed to fill the room, told him exactly what it was.  

And it was yours. _Fitting_ , he thought, that it was all over his hands. He did this, after all. It was all his fault.

“No, no, no! NO!” His eyes darted around the room desperately, searching for an escape that he would never find. Not when his own mind sought to punish him. He could squeeze his eyes shut, tug at his hair, and scream as much as he wanted…there was never an escape from this. Just as he held happiness in his hands, it was snatched away from him and crushed under the weight of reality. His reality was that everything he touched turned to dust.

_This isn’t real_.

But it _looked_ real. _God_ , did it look _real_. The way your glossy eyes stared at him desperately, even if they held no life within them. His hands shot up to his chest frantically, gripping his shirt tight and tearing it down the middle as if it were merely a piece of paper.

He didn’t need to look down to know that the gapping whole in his chest mirrored your own. But he did anyway, and it did nothing but increase his panic tenfold. The room shook, matching the tremor in his hands.  

**“Bucky…please…”**

The plea echoed in the dark room, rattling the windows and forcing dust out of the new crack in the ceiling. _How?_ How had this happened? He was right _there_ …you were supposed to be safe. He was supposed to _keep_ you safe.

He failed.

“I’m sorry. God, I’m so sorry.” He barely recognised his own voice. It wasn’t this raw a moment ago.

**“Please…”**

The wooden window frame groaned under the pressure, finally giving out and sending a wave of glass across the room. He didn’t even feel the sharp shard nick his cheek, not when there was a greater pain in his chest.

“Stop…”

With every frantic breath a new crack formed in the wallpaper, and a new kind of pain tore at his heart.

**“I-I need…”**

He didn’t care about the blood on his hands, he needed to cover his ears. He didn’t want to hear your voice, not like that. He couldn’t…not again.

**“Buck…”**

“Stop!” His head thrashed frantically and he felt the floor caving in beneath him.

**“Come on, man!”**

“STOP!”

**“BUCKY!”**

“Y/N!”

* * *

“ _Y/N!_ ”

Bucky shot out of bed in the blink of an eye, and Steve did well to narrowly avoid the fist that would have probably taken his head off.

“Woah! Easy, pal!”

Steve held his hands up in surrender, a sympathetic frown on his face as he studied his best friend. Bucky looked like a wild animal, long hair plastered to his face from the sweat, wide eyes darting across every inch of the room in search of something he wouldn’t find, and chest rising rapidly with every frantic breath he took. It was hard seeing him like this, and Steve felt the sadness hit him as soon as he remembered that this was nothing new. Bucky had been having these night terrors for two months now.

Shuri had done a great job in helping him heal his mind in the past, but this wasn’t some kind of pain inflicted by HYDRA, this was fresh. This was personal. When you had left, you had taken Bucky’s sanity with you it seemed.

And not a single day went by that Steve didn’t regret ever letting him hear the recorded phone conversation that undoubtedly haunted him more than anything else. It wasn’t by choice, but Bucky wasn’t a fool, he knew they were hiding something from him and Natasha always did have a ‘pull the band-aid right off’ approach.

“Steve?”

Bucky’s brows furrowed in confusion, and he unclenched his fists when he realised where he was.

“Hey, you alright?”

Bucky’s tense shoulders slowly slumped and he fell back onto his mattress with a huff. Steve watched in worry as his best friend rubbed at his eyes roughly.

He knew how hard these two months had been for Bucky. Every day seemed to be worse than the previous one, and Steve had never felt more helpless in his life. Sam had been great, trying to get Bucky’s mind off of the situation whenever he could, but they both knew there was nothing that they could do.

Steve still remembered dragging Bucky back from the bar the day you left. He wasn’t drunk -it wasn’t possible- but his red eyes had been enough to tell Steve that something was seriously wrong that day.

_“You wanna tell me what’s going on?”_

_“She wouldn’t even look at me, Steve.”_

_“She wouldn’t look at anyone, Buck.”_

_“Yeah, but…” It wasn’t the same. He didn’t want it to be the same. The two of you always had something_ **_more_ ** _, and as selfish as it sounded, he didn’t care how you looked at everyone else as long as you saw him the way you used to. As long as you saw him the way_ **_he_ ** _saw_ **_you_ ** _._

_“She’s leaving…leaving me.” He whispered, but Steve could still hear how much it hurt Bucky to even think about you leaving. He squeezed his best friend’s shoulder reassuringly._

_“Buck-“_

_“I love her, Steve.” Bucky looked up at him desperately. “I love her._ ”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Buck…” Steve sighed. If he was fine, he wouldn’t be sleeping in _your_ bed every night.

“I said I’m fine.” He almost winced at the harshness in his own tone, and softly added, “sorry I woke you.”

“It’s alright, I was going for a run anyway.” Steve smiled reassuringly.

They both knew that was a lie, and even Bucky managed to quirk a small smile of his own at his best friend’s kindness. If there was one thing he remembered about the ’40s, it was Steve’s kind heart even in those days. He was glad that the little punk hadn’t changed a bit.

“Steve?”

Steve quirked his brows in question as he looked back over his shoulder.

“Thanks.”

He nodded with a small smile. “Anytime, pal.”

Bucky waited until he had left the room before letting his eyes slip shut, desperately trying to remember the feeling of a soft body in his arms, and equally soft lips on his own. God, what he wouldn’t give to just have you in the Tower. You didn’t have to look at him, you didn’t even have to think of him, as long as he could have you close. As long as he could see for himself that you were safe.

Not knowing was killing him, and he wasn’t sure how much longer he would last.

* * *

It was soothing, you thought, the repetition. Every punch left a pain in your knuckles that masked the pain in your chest. The constant thumping that echoed in your ears every time a limb made contact with the boxing bag, drowned out the memory of your own heart beating in your ears. It felt good, getting your mind off of it. But no matter how hard you hit, or how loud you tried to be, nothing was enough to silence a stubborn human mind.

Your therapist called it PTSD. She was a nice lady, one that Pepper had suggested the fourth time you had woken up screaming. You didn’t have a particular aversion to discussing your feelings with a stranger, you had done it your entire life. HYDRA wanted to know everything, and the easiest option was to answer when asked…or at least that was the most painless option.

But Dr Sullivan was nice. She actually reminded you a lot of Pepper herself, and you really liked Pepper. She had a soothing presence, a way of making everything feel okay even if it felt like the end of the world. You knew Tony was more than relieved that you were so comfortable with Pepper, it was no secret that the whole comforting thing made Tony Stark…well, _un_ comfortable. He was great when you needed him, he just preferred to not be the broken man giving advice on how to fix yourself.

But Pepper had been a huge help, taking you out to get your mind off things when you she thought you’d been cooped up in the lab with Tony for far too long. You thought she would have made a good mother, and you wondered why she wasn’t one already. You would have asked, but after asking Natasha if she ever wanted kids, you learnt that there were some things you just didn’t ask people. No, you left your curiosity to Tony’s projects.

“Ya know, when the doc said to keep the physical activity to a minimum, I’m not sure this is what he meant…”

You had been so lost in your thoughts that you hadn’t even noticed the billionaire leaning against the doorway of your room. Tony had gone all out in decorating your room. All sorts of new inventions were thrown in to keep you entertained, and you particularly enjoyed the new TV. You didn’t have many of your old belongings, but the things you did have were all things you had back in the Tower.

The Tower…

_No. Stop thinking about it…them_ … ** _him_**.

“Kid…” Tony’s voice sounded more concerned than it had a minute ago, and you realised just how much harder you had been hitting the bag. The mere thought of him was enough to make you lose control. Because despite how much you wanted to let the anger fester, no matter how much you wanted to forget your feelings, you couldn’t. Why? Because every night when you’d close your eyes to welcome the next inevitable night terror, it wasn’t your therapist’s voice that made it all better, it wasn’t Tony’s or Pepper’s, no…

_There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you…_

It would always be his. And you missed him. You missed him more than you were ready to admit, and that bothered you. He deserved your anger for now, and if you had to beat your feelings down everyday then you would. It wasn’t like unrequited love mattered in the first place, all it did was raise you that much higher so that the fall hurt that much more. He wasn’t yours, and that was okay. Or at least it would be…eventually. 

You slumped in defeat the moment you felt Tony’s hand on your shoulder, and your fists finally returned to your sides. Reluctantly, you turned to meet Tony’s worried gaze.

“I’m fine. It’s okay.” You forced a small smile, and his cocked brow told you he hadn’t believed it for a second. That was no surprise really, you couldn’t even convince yourself.

You shook the thoughts out of your head and caught a glimpse of the smartphone in Tony’s hand.

“Did Steve call again?”

It had been two months and you had yet to take a call from anyone. You knew Steve called Tony every few days to check up on you, and even though you still had mixed feelings about the whole situation, it was a sweet gesture that made you miss the super-soldier. He had always looked out for you, and Dr Sullivan had helped you see that the situation was not Steve’s fault (it wasn’t anyone’s fault apparently)…but life with HYDRA had ensured that trust was hard to give, and even harder to repair when broken.

“Uh, yeah.” Tony scratched the back of his head, he almost looked hesitant to broach the subject. Your eyes narrowed.

“What is it?”  

Tony’s eyes widened a fraction, flickering between your own as if deciding whether or not to answer. Or how _best_ to answer.

“Tony?”

He almost huffed in defeat, tapping the smartphone against the palm of his hand - he could never stay still.

“It’s nothing serious, they worry about you.” Tony rolled his eyes in good humour, shrugging a shoulder nonchalantly. “Mother hen Steve, right?”

You eyed him for a moment, but he didn’t seem any more suspicious than usual. Tony could be a decent liar though, especially because there was truth in his words. The team really _did_ worry about you. But you couldn’t tell if there was more to it than that. Either way, you were too tired to argue with him about it.

“Right.” You nodded along slowly, unwrapping your wrists. “What did you tell him?”

“The usual.” He dismissed the topic with a wave of his hand. “Pepper’s heading out in an hour.”

“Shopping for Happy’s birthday present, and _you’re_ invited.” He elaborated with an amused smile. You shot him a half-hearted glare, knowing that he wouldn’t be joining you. It had become habit for the two of you to throw each other under the bus whenever shopping was involved. You both felt bad saying ‘no’ to Pepper, so usually when she’d ask it would end in one of you claiming you were busy, but that the other was free.

Seems like he had beaten you to it this time ‘round.

“I hate you.” You shouted as he made his way out of the room.

Tony quirked a small smile but didn’t even bother looking back.

“No you don’t!”

* * *

“Was that Tony?”

Steve almost jumped when he heard the voice behind him ask. Natasha had a knack for sneaking up on people, and even with his enhanced hearing he had trouble tracking her movements - especially when he was this distracted. He had just finished his conversation with the billionaire, and he didn’t feel remotely better about the current situation.

“Yeah…yeah, it was Tony.”

Natasha eyed the super-soldier warily. He seemed both distracted and despondent. His shoulders were tense and he had barely even acknowledged her after not seeing her for a month. He was only pouring a cup of coffee, but there was a helplessness to him that she hadn’t seen since…

“Where’s Barnes?” She asked nonchalantly, reclining in her barstool.

Steve tensed for a split second and Natasha cocked an unimpressed brow when he continued pouring another cup like he hadn’t heard her. She knew he had.

“Steve?” She drew his name out suspiciously.

He sighed, forgetting all about his coffee and leaning against the countertop with his hands splayed wide on either side of him. His head was bowed and she frowned at the sight.

“I don’t know.” He sounded as defeated as he looked.

“You…don’t know.” That was a first.

“He disappeared sometime last week.” Steve turned around to face her, arms crossing over his broad chest as he leaned against the counter.

“And you let him?” There was a faint trace of surprise in her tone, and Steve almost scoffed.

“Didn’t really have a choice, Nat.” He responded flatly. Bucky had left in the middle of the night. No note, and no trace of where he was heading. 

“You planning on finding him before he does something stupid?” Nat leaned forward to clasp her hands on top of the counter.

“Because finding him was so easy the first time?” Steve quirked a half-heart smile, brows raising in amusement.

Natasha snorted with a small smirk of her own. “Wow, you’re sassy in the morning. Sharon must love that.”

Steve’s shoulders dropped, and he shot Natasha an apologetic smile, finally uncrossing his arms.

“I’m sorry, Nat. Lately it’s just been…” His pale eyes shot around the room, as if the word he was looking for was dangling right in front of him. 

“Overwhelming.” She supplied with a slow nod of understanding.

“Right.” Steve nodded awkwardly. “Overwhelming.”

“We all have our bad days.” She shrugged a shoulder calmly but Steve didn’t look too comforted by her words.

“Yeah, well…lately I’ve been having more of those than I’d like.” Steve frowned when he thought of how many times he had woken up to his best friend’s screams echoing from down the hall. He wished he could help Bucky so badly, but nothing he did would do any good.

Natasha cleared her throat lightly, face losing any traces of humour as she asked her next question lowly. “Does she know?”

Steve shook his head, placing her mug in front of her. “I haven’t spoken to her since…” he trailed off with a sigh. Yet another one of his finer moments. Nothing was going for him at the moment.

“Right.” Natasha watched him stare off into space for a moment longer before rolling her eyes.

“Okay, well…get off your ass, Rogers. Let’s find us a super-soldier.”

* * *

_Beautiful_.

It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles and Bucky almost felt the weight in his chest give way a little. Not because of the beautiful day, but rather, the beautiful woman he had set his sights on. It was a relief to see the smile on your face as you laughed at something Pepper had said. The two of you had been walking down the street stepping into every store on your way.

He didn’t know what you were you were looking for, but his seat on the open terrace of a busy little cafe gave him the perfect view to keep an eye on you no matter where you went. Usually busy places set him on edge, but this was the only way he would go unnoticed. You had been trained to observe your environment, and you’d pick him out in a crowd almost as easily as he would do the same to you.

Bucky had arrived in California 2 days earlier, and most of his time had been spent trying to identify any possible HYDRA agents in the area. He knew how they worked - no loose ends - and you were a very big loose end that they’d been trying to get rid of for years. Ironman carrying a half-dead body into Mass General was something that gained a lot of attention and now he had no doubt that the remaining HYDRA agents knew exactly where to find you.

He dumped his phone the moment he left the Tower, he didn’t want to be tracked and the abundance of texts and missed calls his ex was sending him just gave him another thing to feel bad about. 

He felt terrible for leaving Steve the way he did, but he knew his friend would try to stop him. He’d tell him that you needed time and space, but Bucky wasn’t trying to confront you. He was trying to keep you safe. Something he never should have stopped doing.  

There was no chance in hell that he was letting those bastards anywhere near you. Not this time. Not again. He was going to fix his mistake and take care of HYDRA once and for all. 

So like a guardian angel, he would watch from above and protect you in anyway possible. It made it a little easier to breathe knowing you were safe. 

What he had yet to realise, was that he wasn’t the only one watching.


	4. Chapter 4

Bucky took a sip of his water as his pale gaze roamed the street absentmindedly. It had been over an hour and so far everything looked fine. No shady figures, no suspicious cars…no threat besides the screeching toddler three tables away that was threatening to burst his eardrum.

For the umpteenth time that day, his eyes settled on the beautiful woman in red. He smiled for the first time in what felt like years. You never wore bright colours before, they were too obvious, they drew too much attention. If there was one thing you knew not to do, it was draw attention. He suspected the red long-sleeved dress was more Pepper’s idea than your own, but he mentally praised the woman for her input.

You were making your way back down the street, towards one of the first shops you had entered. You must have-

Bucky was shaken out of his thoughts when he felt his jacket pocket start vibrating.

“What the…?” Bucky’s brows furrowed as he stared at the familiar number. No one was supposed to know how to contact him, this was a burn phone after all, even Steve would have trouble finding him without Stark’s help. So how did _she_ know how to reach him?

He accepted the call, his curiosity winning out.

“Hel-“

_“Bucky.”_ She cut him off abruptly, and he could hear the thickness in her voice.

_Oh god._ He really hoped she hadn’t missed him that much. He was so sure that she would hate him considering the way he left her - terrified and likely traumatised. He felt the guilt settle in his chest once more. The toddler screeched once more and Bucky winced at the sound, quickly making his way downstairs to avoid the noise.

_“Bucky?”_

“Yeah, I’m here. Sorry…” He trailed off awkwardly, not knowing what to say. His nervousness quickly turned to concern when he heard her ragged breath coming from the other end of the phone.

“Hey, are you alright?” Bucky dodged a waitress swerving through the tables, and shot her an apologetic smile when she stumbled around him.

_“I’m s-sorry…I’m s-so sorry. I didn’t ha-have a choice.”_ She was crying, and Bucky froze at her words, his interest in their conversation peaking.

“Hey, slow down for me…what are you talkin’ about?” He asked reluctantly.

_“They said they’d hurt the kids if I didn’t do it.”_

Bucky pressed a finger to his free ear, his heart suddenly thumping that little bit faster as dread settled in his stomach.

“ _Who_ said they’d hurt the kids?” She sobbed at his question, but he already knew the answer.

_“H-HYDRA.”_

Bucky’s jaw clenched. It was a mixture of emotion. He was concerned for her wellbeing, enraged at HYDRA’s involvement once more and though he wouldn’t admit it, he was scared of what this meant for both of them. He wasn’t in love with her, but he still cared about her. She had never done anything wrong in his eyes, and obviously she was terrified - if her voice was anything to go by. God, they were probably right there with her. There was no other way that she could have contacted him.

The situation was out of his control though, there was nothing he could do for her now. Not while he was in Los Angeles.

“Take it easy, sweetheart. I need you to breathe…and I hate to ask you this, but _if you can_ , I need you to tell me everything.”

She sniffled loudly, and for a moment he thought she hadn’t heard him when she didn’t reply.

_“Bucky, they told me to tell you…”_

Bucky bit his lower lip, eyes squeezing shut. He hated hearing the fear in anyone’s voice, it reminded him too much of his past -of his _victims_ \- and it bothered him to hear ones he cared for in distress.

“Yeah?” He softly prompted.

_“That she- she looks beautiful in red.”_ Her words were punctuated with shuddering cries, she knew just how bad of a situation he had been placed in. She knew how much he loved you, and she knew there was nothing he wouldn’t do if it meant keeping you safe.

Bucky’s eyes shot towards the street faster than a bullet and he was all but panting when he noticed Pepper outside the store with both hands full of bags, looking around the street in confusion. _Oh god_. He had taken his eyes off of you for a second. A single second to answer the phone, but it had been a second too long.

“No, no, no, no, no…”

_“-cky? Bucky?”_

“Huh?” He was only half-listening, rushing between the small tables toward the exit, eyes never leaving the busy street and desperate to see any trace of red.

_“Don’t! Don’t it’s not her the-“_ A muffled scream came from the phone before it briefly went silent.

_“Sergeant Barnes…we’ve been waiting a long time for this.”_

He didn’t recognise the voice, but he didn’t need to. Bucky’s jaw clenched in anger regardless of who it was.

“What do you want?”

_“You.”_ The man answered simply. _ˆThere’s a car waiting in the back, two of our men are waiting for you.”_

“Well they can keep waiting.”

_“You have two minutes, Sergeant. It’s you or the girl, and I know my superiors have been **dying**  to get their hands on her.”_

Bucky almost snarled at the thought, cybernetic fist threatening to shatter his cellphone entirely.

“You touch her and I’ll tear your arms off.”

_“Then you better hurry.”_

* * *

Pepper had stepped into some fancy jewellery store to buy a nice watch she thought Happy would like. Usually he’d be offered the best Stark tech available, but Happy was very much an old fashioned soul. Technology was not his forte. So Rolex would unfortunately have to do this time ‘round.

But you took this opportunity to have a moment to yourself and finally deal with that niggling feeling in the back of your mind. You were about 97% sure that you were being followed, but there was only one way to find out for sure.

You could hear the barely-there footsteps trailing after you as you stepped into the alleyway behind the row of stores. The daylight made it seem much less intimidating than those you often saw in movies, but the predictable turn of events that followed could have been taken straight out of an action sequence.

His steps slowed to a halt the moment he noticed the empty alleyway, and he took a hesitant step back, only to be met with a painful strike across his shoulder blades. He cried out in pain, dropping to his knees as his back arched. A similar strike followed and he doubled over with another yelp. Falling onto his back, he squinted against the pain to look at his attacker.

You tilted your head curiously. You thought you recognised his face. It was a good thing you had avoided targeting it with the stray metal pole you had found by the dumpster. Oh yes, it must have hurt, and you couldn’t deny that it felt good to get that anger out in the only way you truly knew worked.

“Well, this _is_ a surprise.” You shot forward in a blur, fingers pressing into his cheeks painfully and forcing his mouth open. He didn’t have enough time to even realise what you were doing before the false molar was torn from his mouth, and the little pill along with it.

“Bitch.” He growled with a gasp as you shoved his head back down.

You brought the pole down onto his shin, and he howled, clutching his leg desperately as he lolled from side to side on the ground.

“Watch your mouth, asshole.”

His jaw clenched, whether it was to combat the pain or force himself to hold his tongue, you had no idea.

“What’s your name?”

“Go to hell-“ His eyes widened when you readied the pole once more. “Smith! Dennis Smith!”

You crouched down beside him, with faux frown. “Wasn’t so hard, now was it?”

He didn’t reply, choosing to glare at you instead. He didn’t bother fighting when you rooted through his pocket and snatched his wallet out of it. _Bank cards, a few coupons, driver’s license…_

“Why are you following me, Dennis Smith?” Surprisingly, he hadn’t lied about that.

Again, he didn’t reply.

With a small sigh, you removed the Glock from the holster strapped to your thigh and his eyes darted to the gun nervously.

“I’m not scared of you.” His voice was surprisingly strong, a complete opposite to his almost trembling form. “You won’t do it.”

You forced a smile, wishing that were the case. But nothing could ever make you un-learn everything HYDRA had engraved into your mind. You were used to the feeling of blood on your hands.

“You have no idea what I’d do.” You shook your head with a small frown.

“HYDRA gave you everything, and you turned your back on them.” He sounded like a puppet, speaking as if he didn’t believe a word he was saying, but had to say them anyway. “He’s made you soft.”

All his words did was add fuel to the fire that fed your anger. The same anger you held onto for months, no, _years_.

“Not nearly soft enough.”

He froze when he felt cool metal pressed to his forehead.

“I’ll ask again, one last time. _Why_ are you following me?”

There was silence for a moment, and you cocked your brows pointedly. The clock was ticking and he knew it. The change in your tone told him this was well and truly his last chance.

“Because the only way to get _him_ , is to make him think we want _you_.”

You didn’t question him. There was only one person he could have been talking about, and you pushed your surprise to the side for the moment. You could question what _he_ was doing in LA at a later time.

_But it was a diversion_. Why else would they send someone so incompetent after you? Because the real talent was needed elsewhere. It was far more difficult to catch the Winter Soldier than it was to catch you. Unfortunately, that meant he had possibly been captured, and the thought of what they could do to him was enough to force the barrel of the gun harder against Dennis’ forehead.

It had been sudden, the fear that had struck you. And you knew…you _knew_ you’d do absolutely anything. It was what you had been avoiding for the past two months. Those feelings you had, even now, after everything had changed in your mind. You knew that _they_ wouldn’t change. You’d always feel them, no matter how much time had passed, no matter how hard you tried to push them away. All it took was one reminder of how much you stood to lose, for you to remember how far you’d go to keep it.

It didn’t mean forgiveness, that was another battle for another day. But you’d be damned if you let anyone hurt him, you wouldn’t abandon him as he abandoned you.  

“Where is he?”

Dennis shook his head quickly, recognising the dark shift in your tone. “I don’t know.”

“Tell me where he is, and I’ll let you go.” You offered.

“What’s the point?” He sniffed loudly. “They’d just kill me instead.”

He wasn’t wrong. The fact that he had been caught was enough to ensure that he was already a target. But that just wasn’t good enough. You knew _those_ damn words no longer had the same effect on Bucky, but that didn’t mean he was safe. It just meant they could be more creative with their punishments, because he’d remember them all. No, you couldn’t risk not finding him.  

“Fine.” You sighed. “Then I guess I’ll just keep you alive long enough to watch the light leave your little girl’s eyes.” You waved the photo you had plucked from his wallet between your index and middle fingers mockingly. His eyes widened the moment he noticed the wide grin of his 5-year-old staring back at him.

“You wouldn’t.” He didn’t sound too certain.

“Wouldn’t I?” You leaned closer, brows pulling together. “Do you have any idea _who_ they asked you to follow?”

He swallowed thickly. This wasn’t what he signed up for, this wasn’t the type of game he wanted to play. Not one that put his family at risk.

“I’ll tell you what I _wouldn’t_ do, Dennis.” Your eyes locked onto his own with determination. “I wouldn’t _hesitate_. Not for a single second if it meant finding him. I’d kill you and everyone you had ever met in your life. So yeah, I guess you’re right. He has made me soft.” You shifted the barrel of the Glock to his knee cap.

“Last chance. Where is he?”

* * *

Bucky groaned when he came to.

_Rookie move, Barnes._

In his panic -in his desperation- he hadn’t paid enough attention to his surroundings, and it had been all too easy for them to hit him with a tranquilliser. He should have expected it, to be perfectly honest. It was too risky to have him conscious when they transported him to…wherever the hell he was.

“Oh thank god, you’re awake.”

Bucky froze momentarily at the familiar voice hovering above him, and his eyes cracked open to see her worried face looking down at him. His lashes fluttered for a moment, trying to adjust his eyes to his new surroundings. He frowned when he noticed the deep purple bruise on the side of her face, something that she didn’t miss.

“It’s alright, it looks worse than it really is.” She shot him a weak smile, and quickly helped him sit up when he grimaced uncomfortably. He didn’t care how it looked, the bastards would pay for it.

“Easy…they said it would take a while to wear off.”

Bucky groaned lightly, the back of his head sore from laying on cold concrete floor for so long. “Where are we?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged with a weary sigh.

Bucky’s eyes widened when he remembered the events leading up to his capture, and he would have jumped to his feet had a small hand not pressed his shoulder back down.

“Y/N…” He looked to his ex in question.

“She’s…she isn’t here.”

“How certain are you?” Because he wasn’t certain at all. They had been watching you, and HYDRA left no loose ends. Even with his capture, he knew better than to believe that they would leave you be. But he wasn’t willing to gamble with your life.

“Pretty certain, Bucky. I tried to tell you, but…” She motioned to her face awkwardly. “She wasn’t their target, you were.”

“But…” Bucky shook his head, trying to clear his rampant thoughts and try to piece everything together. “She wasn’t there.”

“Bucky, trust me. If they had her, I wouldn’t be here.”

She had a point, he conceded. You were enough leverage to ensure he did whatever they wanted, but he had watched you die every night for the past two months, and his mind wouldn’t allow him peace until he saw you in front of him - safe.

He felt fingers gently trace the side of his forehead and jerked back instinctively.

“I’m sorry! I-I didn’t…they hit you earlier, when you started waking up.”

Bucky’s gaze softened in apology, but he really didn’t know how to deal with the situation. He’d rather be alone in the dimly lit concrete box they called a cell, but he didn’t have much of a say in that.

“’S fine.”

He shuffled back to sit against the wall, avoiding her gaze. He still felt the guilt hit him when he remembered almost taking her head off with his own fist, and she could see the conflict on his face as she shuffled over to sit beside him.

“Bucky…talk to me.” She pleaded.  

“You said they made you do it… _what_ did they make you do?” His brows furrowed in thought.

She remained silent, and Bucky tensed in apprehension. “What-“

“Date you.” She blurted out.

“Huh?”

She took a deep breath, nervously playing with her sleeve as she elaborated. “They- they told me to get close to you.”

She didn’t know when things had changed. When he wasn’t just a way to keep her niece and nephew alive, but a man she could genuinely see herself growing old with. She knew they came from two different worlds, and maybe that’s why he was so appealing to her, but she did love him. It hadn’t been part of the plan, especially when she noticed the way he looked at you, but she didn’t want to let him go. Because she naively thought that he could grow to love her as she had grown to love him. Needless to say, as long as you were in the picture that wouldn’t happen.

But she knew nothing could be done about it. You can’t make someone love you, after all.

Bucky almost couldn’t believe it. It wasn’t unheard of for an agent to go undercover, but why were HYDRA interested in a school teacher of all things? She had no training, she wasn’t loyal to their cause, and there was no guarantee he would even take a liking to her.

“Why?” It just didn’t make sense to him.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I think they just wanted a way to hurt you both.”

This just added to his confusion.

“ _Both?_ ”

She rolled her eyes with a small smile. “Still so oblivious.”

“What are you talkin’ about?”

“You do know she loves you, right?”

There was only one person she could have meant and Bucky scoffed at the very thought. “She can’t stand the sight of me.”

“Somehow, I really doubt that.”

She shot Bucky a knowing smile, and his own lips quirked up half-heartedly. It was quick to fall as soon as he heard the footsteps outside the door, and Bucky shot to his feet quickly, shielding the woman behind him.

The door swung open and he didn’t have enough time to react before the newcomer rolled a grenade into the room and slammed the door shut once more.

Instead of the expected explosion, gas was slowly sweeping across the floor. What ever it was, it was strong. Strong enough to have her out in 2 seconds, and him out in 4.

* * *

Steve sighed for the hundredth time as his eyes scanned the computer screen. Natasha was doing god only knows what to try and locate his missing best friend, but Bucky remained as elusive as ever. Steve still didn’t understand technology as well as most, he got the basics, but he put all of his trust in Nat’s hands when it came to anything above accessing his emails.

Still nothing.

He knew it would be near impossible to find him when he didn’t want to be found, but the longer Bucky was gone, the more Steve feared for his friend. He wasn’t in a good place emotionally, and HYDRA were still out there like the persistent cockroaches they were. He didn’t even want to consider what they’d do to his friend if they ever-

“Steve?”

The man in question perked up at the sound of his name.

“We got a hit?”

“No…” Natasha’s brows furrowed as she stared down at the cellphone in her hands. She held it up in question, and Steve’s lips parted in surprise when he noticed the familiar number flash on the screen as it rang silently. “This him?”

“No.” Steve was quick to take the phone from her, and Natasha cocked a curious brow.

“Hello?”

Steve smiled the first genuine smile that Natasha had seen since she returned.

“Y/N? Hey, I didn’t think you’d-“

_“Steve, I need your help.”_ She was quick to cut him off, and there was no trace of Steve Rogers left as soon as he noted the hint of panic in her voice. He straightened up, every bit the Captain America the world had come to love.

“What’s going on?” The last time she needed him he wasn’t there, he wouldn’t be making that mistake again, and the determination in his voice assured her of that.

_“It’s Bucky…”_


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally finished this little fic off, and I want to give a big thank you to everyone who took the time to read and leave such sweet comments on it. You’re all awesome! 
> 
> Hope you all had a great festive season, and Happy New Year, may it be your best year yet!

“Look, I’m not saying this is a stupid idea…but it is.”

“No one is forcing you to come, Tony.” You pointed out, not sparing him a glance as you strapped a holster to each thigh.

“And let you go at it alone? Yeah, I don’t think so.” He crossed his arms stubbornly and you had to suppress a smile. To hell with society’s opinion of Tony Stark, he had the biggest heart of gold you had ever encountered, no matter how hard he tried to hide it.

“I won’t be going alone, Steve should be here any minute now.”

“Because he was so much help the first time…” Tony muttered under his breath, but the sharp glare you shot him told him just how you felt about his commentary.

Okay, so maybe there was still some tension left between them, but he didn’t need to use this situation as an excuse to drag it all back up. You had bigger things on your mind, things you didn’t want to think about for fear of what outcomes your haunted mind might come up with. But also things that required your full attention to ensure those outcomes remained in the realm of possibility and not reality. Gosh, it was all so confusing.

“If you have a better idea, feel free to share.”

And that was something that bothered Tony. He _didn’t_ really have a better idea. You were good at your job, you knew what to do and how to do it well enough to get in and out alive. But after the last time, he was hesitant to watch you throw yourself back into the line of fire. For months he had watched you venture further into your own mind, slipping back into who you used to be almost seamlessly, and that terrified him. Barnes meant something to you, Tony knew you cared about him the way he cared about Pepper…and there was nothing he wouldn’t do to ensure Pepper’s safety.

Tony Stark was a relatively logical man, and he liked to think he thought of the bigger picture when thrown into morally challenging situations. You did not share this quality. You were trained to complete your mission by any means necessary. If Tony would do anything to keep Pepper safe, what would _you_ do for Barnes? How far would you be willing to go?

He didn’t want to think about the answer to that question. Not when you had those moments where you slipped so far into your past that he could barely recognise you. It used to be relatively simple, back when they were trying to teach you how to exist as more than a weapon, as more than a tool. You had burned your past to craft a new life from its ashes, but the events in Boston had flipped a switch.

The first month had been the hardest. He watched you revert back to your old mentality when you fought, fuelled by mistrust and anger… _so much_ anger. Tony had only seen such rage in one other person, and that was no natural anger. 

But one thing you had eventually learnt to do was compartmentalise. While you were downright scary in a fight, Dr Sullivan had also been working on helping you move on and accept things for what they were outside of combat. It was a strange thing to witness, but the logic behind it was that you didn’t have to bury your past, just know when to use it and when to hide it.

It was a band-aid on a gunshot wound, but it was the only thing working.

Now, you were in a relatively stable state of mind, and Tony was not keen to send you into a HYDRA hellhole and start all over again.  

“I just don’t think a ‘go in all guns blazing’ approach is the best option here.”

“Oh, that’s a first.” You shot back.

“Well, I never!” Tony put a hand to his chest in faux offence. “I think I’m rubbing off on you.”

“There’s a scary thought.”

Both you and Tony turned to face the doorway, and you took in Natasha’s appearance for the first time in months. She had always been difficult to read, never outwardly showing emotion - much like yourself. But as her eyes darted from Tony to you, you noticed the way the tension in her brow eased away and her lips quirked up slightly. You sent her a nod of greeting, and were secretly grateful to get one in return. It’d been a while, and despite everything, you had missed her presence. Almost as much as you had missed Ste-

“Y/N…”

Steve squeezed his way past Natasha, offering you a wholehearted smile despite the exhaustion you could see painted across his handsome face. He hadn’t slept well since Bucky had disappeared days ago, and the phone call he received from you had done nothing but add to the stress he already felt.

Regardless, he was relieved to see you. You never socialised much around the Tower, always preferring to keep to yourself or stick by him or Bucky, but Steve felt the resounding loss of your presence. It wasn’t the same. He’d seen what it had done to Bucky (he knew they weren’t the same circumstances, but it was a loss, nonetheless) and he wouldn’t deny that he missed having you around. You were always his responsibility, and having you snatched away from him so abruptly had left him floundering until he realised that you no longer were - you were Tony’s responsibility now.

“It’s good to see you.”

Tony’s eyes darted between the two of you, curious as to how you would respond. You’d try not to make it obvious, but he knew you missed the super-soldier. Steve was your first real friend, after all, and though you tried not to, you always asked about him whenever he called Tony to check up on you. So Tony wasn’t all that surprised when a small smile broke out over your face.

“You too, Steve.”

And it really was, you thought. You didn’t realise how much you’d missed him until his reassuring presence was hovering beside you, always there to offer a silent strength.    

“Alright, well, we got work to do.” Tony sighed wearily, not at all looking forward to what they were about to walk into.

Just like that, the moment came to an end, and both you and Steve felt that same old determination wash over you. Bucky Barnes was the most important person in both your lives, and Tony almost pitied the morons who crossed you.

* * *

Bucky finally came to with a quiet groan. His eyes fluttered open only to clamp shut once more when they were met with blaring white lights. His mind finally caught up to the world around him and he realised that the pressure around his arms was due to the fact that he was being dragged. His head had lolled back in his unconsciousness and even though he was awake, he couldn’t muster up the strength to do much more than lift it.

Whatever they hit him with, it was potent.

“He’s awake.” A hazy voice broke the silence from above.

“Ah, shit. Strong son of a bitch…” And another.

He didn’t recognise the voices but he did remember where he was. _Looks like it wasn’t a just a nightmare_. No, he was back there, back with the monsters who had already taken so much from him. Despite his anger and desperation to get away, he told himself that it was okay considering the alternative. HYDRA didn’t like loose ends, and If him being there meant that you weren’t, then it was okay. They’d taken everything from him, he wouldn’t let them take you too.

The men dragging him across the floor threw a door open and he could hear the whirring of technology long before he could see it. Then there was the feel of metal. He knew this feeling, this chair was familiar to him, as were the straps holding him in place, and he tensed the moment he realised what was happening.

“Now, now, Sergeant Barnes…don’t worry. We’ll take good care of you.”

Bucky’s blurry eyes darted toward the voice and he recognised the familiar face even through the haze. One of Pierce’s little doctors, the same type as Zola - ones that cared little for ethics and morality, and instead enjoyed poking and prodding at anyone and anything presented to them. Like sadistic children pulling insects apart.

“Ah, you remember me.” Bucky could hear the smile in his voice. “Good, that’s good. We’ll see if that’s the case when we’re done here.”

He was panting, he knew he was, but he couldn’t help it. He’d remembered so much, learnt so much, and (now that it was about to all be taken away from him) he realised just how far he had come since Steve found him a year ago. He didn’t want to forget, he didn’t want to have to start all over again…if he was ever found again in the first place.

“Now, bite down on this and we’ll begin.”

The mouth guard was forced into his mouth, and Bucky understood that this was really happening. They were going to wipe him again. Everything would be gone: Steve, the team, years of memories that had found their way back to him…you. _Oh god_. He never even got the chance to tell you. Would he still love you when it was over? The thought of not doing so made him feel sick to his stomach. And what if they sent him after you? What if they forced him to kill you? HYDRA hated loose ends. He’d kill himself before he’d ever think of hurting you, but he wouldn’t have that choice.

The familiar cackle of electricity sounded through the room and despite the weakness in his limbs, he thrashed in his seat with a desperate yell.

“Start on low and work your way up, it’s been a while and we don’t want to damage him any more than necessary.”

The doctor was talking to someone, an assistant, and Bucky’s muscles ached with how much he had tensed. 

“Now! Hurry up!”

A scream tore its way from Bucky throat. They may have ’started low’ but pain was pain, and there was no getting used to this kind of pain. His muffled screams bounced off the walls so loudly that even if it were possible for him to focus on what was in front of him, he still wouldn’t have heard the two gunshots ring out from the doorway.

It all happened so quickly, a matter of seconds really, but it felt like an hour before the feeling of fire in his veins dissipated and he could breathe again. His body twitched long after the currents left him, and he barely felt his restraints fall away.

“-ucky? Bucky?! Can you hear me?”

There were hands on his face, gentle, but insistent. That voice…it was familiar, it almost sounded like yours. Maybe they had accidentally killed him and this was the afterlife.

“Y/N…” He mumbled.

“Yes! Yeah, it’s me! Can you- can you open your eyes for me? Please, just…please?”

There was a desperation in your voice, one he hadn’t heard before, and he didn’t like it. You sounded scared, panicked even, and he hated the thought of you experiencing either of those feelings - especially because of him.

His eyes fluttered open slowly, and even in this state, he couldn’t suppress his soft smile. 

* * *

For a moment, all you felt was pain.

You’d heard of mutants, some were empaths who could feel another person’s pain from a mile away. But this here, watching and hearing the man you loved experience such agony had hurt you more than anything you had previously experienced.

Perhaps now you could understand it. This really was love. Why else would his pain hurt you more than his betrayal?

You felt nothing as you killed both the doctor and his assistant. Tony had managed to locate them, and after he single-handedly brought down the facility in Boston, there weren’t many more facilities left in the States.

Unlike last time, there was never a doubt in your mind. There was no freezing, no panic, and no hesitation to do what needed to be done. Steve was startled at the ruthlessness, the change he hadn’t expected, you could see it in his worried gaze as you both fought your way through the hallways. Natasha was begrudgingly sitting this one out, manning the quinjet instead, and Tony was doing what he did best - figuring out a way to save your asses if it all went south.

You split up soon after and the moment you heard the screams, you were both relieved to hear that you were so close, and in anguish at the very sound.

Now here you stood, right in front of him after months of trying to convince yourself that you never wanted to see him again. You were wrong, you were so wrong. The moment his pale eyes had locked onto your own, you knew that your self-imposed exile had done nothing to rid you of the feelings you had for him. Nothing would ever be enough.

He was stunned, and so surprised to see you, but the smile he sent you, that stupid smile that you couldn’t resist, it always reassured you that everything was alright.

“God, I missed this…”

You looked at him like he had grown another head. “Being electrocuted?”

He huffed a laugh, grimacing when his head throbbed. “Seeing you.”

“I gotta tell you somethin’…” he heaved a sigh, never breaking eye contact.

You recognised that knowing look in his eye. It was the same one he wore whenever he was going to hit you with a truth you wouldn’t like. But Bucky was an honest man, and if he had something to say he was hardly ever afraid to say it.

“I-“

His eyes flickered over your shoulder quickly and you barely had time to process the panic on his face before he was hurling his weak body at you. You lost your footing, crashing down to the ground as he twisted you both around. The gunshot echoed in the silent room, forcing you into action. In a split second your own gun was out of its holster, and in the next, the shooter was falling to the floor with a bullet in his head.

You were panting, gun still pointed at the door, and sprawled out on the floor with Bucky protectively pinning you down.

His groan snapped you out of your daze, and he forced himself to collapse onto his side to relieve you of his weight. As if _that_ was your biggest concern at the moment.

“Bucky!”

You quickly scrambled up onto your knees, frantically searching for the bullet wound. _Idiot! What was he thinking?_ _He could have gotten himself killed!_

Your fingers applied pressure to his left shoulder blade, where the bullet was still buried. It had, unfortunately, just managed to avoid his protected shoulder. Bucky listened as you scolded him, the words ‘insane’ and ‘stupid’ coming up more than once. Yet all he could do was smile, glad to hear your voice (and recognise it) even if it meant earning even more of your anger.

“What is wrong with you?!” _Is he… **smiling**?_ “W-Why the hell would you do that?”

His right hand gently wrapped around your wrist, in what you recognised was his way of silently reassuring you.

“I told you…there’s nothin’- nothin’ I wouldn’t do.” His voice soft and slightly slurred as his exhaustion caught up with him, but the determination in his eyes, the _promise_ …you didn’t know what to say. It would be all too easy to blame his words on delirium, he wasn’t thinking straight. But those eyes told you another story.

Footsteps thundered down the hallway outside and Bucky’s hand slipped away to allow you to raise your gun once more.

“Y/N?”

Steve’s voice rang out, and your shoulders slumped in relief.

“In here!”

Steve burst into the room, eyes wide and panicked when he saw his friends wrapped up together on the floor.

“Buck…”

He jumped into action as soon as he noticed the blood staining the both of you.

“He was shot. Shoulder blade, but I’m pretty sure he’d got a broken collarbone too.”

“Alright. We gotta get out of here.” Steve’s brows furrowed, an exit route already forming in his mind.

“Wait, wait…” Your attention turned to Bucky, who was quickly losing focus, “down the hall, last room on the right…”

“What? Bucky? Hey, no sleeping!” You patted his cheek lightly but he was already out cold, the day’s events finally catching up to him.

Steve sighed, mentally preparing for the argument he knew was about to happen.

“I’m going to need you to check the hallway.”

“I’m staying with hi-“

“I know you want to but-“

“I’m not leaving him, Steve!”

Steve flinched at the anger radiating off of you, but strengthened his resolve. “Well, you can’t carry him out of here either. So unless you want him to bleed out, someone’s going to have to check that room.”

You knew Steve was right. There was no way Bucky was getting out of there without him. The reality hit you and you knew you could have lost him entirely had that bullet been an inch or two lower. He risked his life for you. _You_ , of all people - the one who had been ignoring him for months. He hadn’t even thought twice about it, and you were hesitant to leave him. But if you wanted him safe, you’d have to listen to Steve. He was the only one with a clear head at the moment.

“Yeah, okay.”

Steve’s features softened. “Hey? He’s going to be fine, alright?”

You shot him a weak smile.

“Alright.”

* * *

You didn’t know what you expected to find in the room down the hall, but it certainly wasn’t the woman huddled in a terrified bundle in the corner. Your teeth clenched as you gave her a once over, fingers ghosting over the trigger of your gun, even if it lay limp at your side. _Of course_ she was here, they needed leverage, didn’t they? And who better to have around than his stupid girlfriend?

_Stop._

You tried to rein you emotions in, knowing that nothing good could come of them. It wasn’t her fault that he was here…or was it? _It doesn’t matter_. You shook your head. You’d entirely forgotten about her in all the chaos, and seeing her now was just a reminder that you were once again hoping for the impossible.

“Can you stand?”

She nodded.

“Good. Get up.”

With out another word, you were turning on your heel and she was scrambling up to follow you. You could hear her shoes scuffling behind you as she tried to keep up with your determined stride, but you wanted to be as far away from her as possible - lest you did or said something you’d regret.  

You’d never been so grateful to see the quinjet than you were in that moment, but she apparently wasn’t letting you out of her sight so easily.

“Wait!”

With an irritated sigh you turned back around to face her. “What?”

She was panting lightly, but there was a genuine look of gratitude on her face. “I- thank you. For saving me, I don’t know what they wou-“

“Yeah, it’s fine.”

She frowned as you walked away from her once more and up the rampart of the quinjet. But if there was one thing she was, it was persistent. As Natasha prepared for take-off, and you strapped yourself into a seat, she was glued to your side.

“Could you just listen to me?” She huffed, tired of being blown off.

“Look, I’m not in the mood to deal with you right now, okay? In case you haven’t noticed, your boyfriend is bleeding out. So do me a favour, and-“

“Woah, wait, what?”

You tensed the moment she latched onto your arm to force your attention, but to her credit, her hand shot away immediately when she remembered the last time she tried such a thing.

“Bucky and I, we’re not- I mean, we haven’t been together for months.” She shook her head in confusion.

You told her Bucky was bleeding out and _that’s_ what caught her attention? Either way, for the first time that day, you actually wanted to hear what she had to say.

Turns out, she had plenty to say. From being forced to try and get closer to Bucky, to actually developing feelings for him - once she started talking, she couldn’t stop. You had to suppress the urge to snap at her for even having the audacity to be willing to hurt him like that. To play with his head and heart after the beating each had taken in the past…it was cruel. How could she call it love? How could she honestly say she cared about him if she was willing to break his heart in the end? Maybe you just didn’t understand it…love was confusing.

“I know what you’re thinking, and I know it was wrong.” She sighed, a look in her eyes that was almost begging you to understand. Lives had been at stake, but she wasn’t sure if you could understand that. Everything was so logical in your mind, Bucky had told her as much. You knew what you wanted and you didn’t hesitate to get it, no matter the cost.

“Did you hurt him?” Your jaw clenched.

“N-No, I don’t think so, at least. He ended things the night he sped off to the hospital.” She shot you a knowing look, and you could understand what she was implying. You almost scoffed.

“I’m sure you’d do the same if one of your friends was in danger.”

“You’re right, I would.” She nodded, before softly adding: “But I wouldn’t confess to loving them before I left.”

You looked away, beating down that sliver of hope with the confusion you genuinely felt. You didn’t understand why she was telling you all of this. Was this another one of her schemes? To convince you that Bucky had some sort of feelings for you, and then shatter your hopes in the end?  

“I mean, I always knew, but he finally admitted it before he left. I hadn’t seen him since.”

It may have been too much too soon, she had no idea of knowing, but she felt like she owed it to Bucky to set things straight with you. She’d wronged him before, perhaps ruined his chances of having something with you a lot earlier, but she wouldn’t make that mistake again. If this was what it took to make him happy, then it was the least she could do.  

“Look, I know he hurt you, but please…please don’t throw this all away because he made a mistake. I loved seeing him happy, with that smile on his face…but he only ever smiled like that when you were around.”

With that said, she offered you a soft smile, before finally leaving you alone to your thoughts.

Not entirely alone, apparently.

“You okay?”

You didn’t bother answering.

“How is he?”

Steve sighed, knowing not to push you for answers. Not while you were in this mood.

“He’ll be fine.”

He took a seat beside you, finally taking a moment to just breathe. It had been one hell of a day, and despite his relief at having found Bucky, he was eager to get to the hospital as quickly as possible.

“Did you know?”

“How he felt? Yeah, I knew.” Steve sighed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Steve’s shoulders slumped when he recognised the hurt in your voice. You had no idea how many times he wanted to just blurt it out and save both of you the trouble. Having to watch you both hurting for the same reason had almost driven him insane. But neither of you thought you were worthy of the other, and no matter how much he reassured each of you that the feelings were mutual, you were equally as stubborn in claiming otherwise.

“I wanted to, but he wouldn’t let me - said you deserved better,” he shook his head, “I knew it wasn’t my place.”

You didn’t comment for the rest of the flight, but that didn’t stop the thoughts from racing through your mind. You didn’t understand, why would he think you deserved better? You were a former HYDRA agent, if anyone deserved better it was the man tormented by them for decades. Not to mention the fact that you had seen how happy he seemed with his ex, so why would he even care about you?

Perhaps it was for the same uncontrollable reason you cared about him. One thing was for certain: everyone else was convinced that the feelings were mutual, and you couldn’t deny that they knew more about love than you did.

* * *

When he finally woke up, Bucky’s head felt like it was full of lead. There was a pain in his shoulder and his busted eyebrow had been tended to, but his body was thoroughly exhausted. He would have been perfectly content to remain nestled in blankets and the comfortable bed for a while longer, but he couldn’t do that knowing that he was obviously no longer at the facility. HYDRA would never have accommodated him like this, and that was the only reason that the humming of machines hadn’t set him on edge when he woke.  

His memory came rushing back to him, and for a moment he had to wonder if he had dreamt it all up. Why else would you have been there? He knew you wanted nothing to do with him, not after what he’d done. You didn’t trust him and he didn’t blame you. He always ended up hurting the people he cared about, and though he would have preferred sparing you the pain, in a masochistic way he was glad you kept your distance - it meant you could stay safe.

Despite all this, he knew _he_ could no longer keep his distance. That brief moment of panic, where he finally realised how quick the very memory of you could be snatched away from him, it offered him perspective.

He didn’t want to live his life knowing he’d never told you how much you meant to him. He knew he’d lost his chance at having anything more with you, but even if you ended up hating him, he wanted you to know that there was always going to be someone out there who loved you.

With a quiet groan, Bucky’s eyes fluttered open. The orange hues streaking the walls indicated that it was either sunrise or sunset, but that was the last thing on his mind when he noted movement in the corner of his eye.

“Am I dreaming?” His hoarse voice cut through the silence.

There was surely no other explanation for your presence there at his bedside.

“No.”

Your eyes finally looked away from his own, growing nervous under his unrelenting stare.

“I…I didn’t think you’d stay.” He whispered, more to himself than anything else.

You felt a tinge of regret that you had destroyed his faith in you to that extent, that he honestly thought you would abandon him while he was injured - because of you, no less. And yes, it _was_ your fault. It was a brief distraction, just a single moment, but it had been enough. You never could think straight in his presence, even when you were back there, the one place you felt most vulnerable, you’d still only see him.

Bucky’s eyes never left you as you rose to pour him some water. It’d been 9 hours since his surgery was completed, but he didn’t have to know that you’d been sitting there that long.

He accepted the cup with a quiet ‘thanks’, only just realising how thirsty he was.

“Did,“ he cleared his throat, “did you get-“

“She’s safe. With her family.”

You anticipated the question. It turned out that HYDRA had originally been using her to try and figure out how much the Avengers knew about the remaining facilities by getting close to one of them - something she had never been able to find out in normal conversation anyway. Luring Bucky out had just been a bonus. You had Dennis Smith to thank for that bit of information.

“Good, that’s…that’s good.” He gave a slow nod, but his mind was already elsewhere.

Sighing inwardly, you decided to address what had been gnawing at your mind all night.

“What you did,” You shook your head with a small frown, “don’t ever do that again, okay?”

You finally met his eyes again and _god_ , if his heart wasn’t going to beat right out of his chest. He didn’t even care when your concerned gaze darted to the screen monitoring his heart rate. He knew what his answer would be every time, there was no other option, not for him.

“No.”

“No?”

His lips stretched into a lazy smile at your confusion.

“I can’t do that. I love you too much,” his eyes drifted shut for a moment and he looked so at peace, as if he hadn’t just changed everything between you. “God, do I love you…”

He whispered to himself so quietly, you wondered if he realised he was talking aloud.

Not for the first time that day, you had no words, none at all to describe what you were feeling - which wasn’t exactly unusual, but you’d liked to think you had a slightly better grasp of your emotions nowadays. Both his best friend and his ex had told you that Bucky had feelings for you, and while it was just their speculation you could brush it all off (or at least try). But now, now that he had directly confessed to your face? How were you supposed to ignore that? How were you supposed to tell yourself that there was no hope for it?

All your life you were told that you would never have anything but the next mission. Love wasn’t for killers, it was for normal people who knew how to put someone else’s needs before their own. People like you didn’t deserve it, especially not from someone like Bucky, no matter how much you wanted it.

Despite the conflicting thoughts and feelings flooding your mind, you wouldn’t get the chance to reply either way - something you were grateful for, considering you had no idea how to respond in the first place.

“Ah, it’s good to see you awake, Sergeant.” The doctor beamed, and you took his entrance as a chance for your escape.

You needed…something. Air? Space? Time? Maybe all of those. You just knew that you had an undeniable urge to run. But you couldn’t slip by so easily, not when he was so in tune with you.

“We have a lot to talk about, doll,” Bucky completely ignored the doctor, glacial eyes glued to your retreating back instead. “You can run for now. I’ll find you.”

It almost sounded like a warning but you could hear the amusement in his voice, as if he knew exactly how you’d react and was more than prepared for the challenge.

* * *

You were on the roof, watching the busy streets of Manhattan below as the sun started its descent for the day. It had been a few hours since you made your way up there, book in hand. Lord of the Rings, Tony said it was ‘a rite of passage’ to read it, but not before warning you to ‘stay away from that Twilight crap’. You enjoyed the books, and immersing yourself in different worlds, it was fascinating. And it also helped you finally understand why Tony sometimes called Clint ‘Legolas’.

But you hadn’t managed to read a single page so far. The real world had given you enough to think about, and after your video session with Dr Sullivan that morning, you needed the time to make sense of your thoughts. You told her about Bucky, about everything that had happened and what he had confessed to you. She seemed happy about it, but emphasised that it was your thoughts that mattered and it was not a decision she could make on your behalf. Her words played on a loop in your mind…

_If you don’t think you deserve love because of your past, then by that logic, Mr Barnes doesn’t either. He was also forced to do things he’d never dream of doing in the present, so why does he deserve it more than you do?_

Everyday you would come up there to the roof to think about it, and each time you’d watch him take that bullet for you again and again. He weighed up your life in that moment and found it to be worth more than his own, and you knew, you _knew_ you’d do the exact same thing for him.  

So the question remained, how did you feel about it all?

You’d considered all the outcomes, every way this whole situation could go. Bucky would find you eventually, you knew that he had been released from the hospital a week ago and would be returning to New York in a matter of days.

If he wanted to corner you, he definitely had ample opportunity, but you knew he was only giving you time to process what he’d told you. At first you hadn’t known what to do, but the more you thought about it the clearer it became.

Only one thing was certain: in every scenario your mind had conjured, there was only one thing that ensured your happiness - finally admitting what you’d tried so hard to hide from him. The ‘ _what then?_ ’ was scary, but if you didn’t tell him, you couldn’t go the rest of your life feeling sorry for yourself when he inevitably found someone new. He needed to know, and as hard as it would be to offer him a part of yourself you had never offered anyone else, you were ready to try forgiveness.

That was new.

You almost faltered at the sudden feeling of being watched. Your instincts screamed as the intruder came closer, urging you to face the possible threat, but you ignored them. There was only one person it could be, and it seemed like your time was finally up.

“Hey…”

“Hi.” You offered him the slightest of smiles when you noticed how cautious he seemed. Almost like he didn’t want to scare you off.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure.” You nodded, eyes briefly darting over to him before returning to the horizon.

He came to lean on the railing beside you, taking in the impressive view with a deep breath. He’d been both dreading and anticipating this moment for a week now, not knowing what to expect.

_Now or never, Barnes._

“Y’know what the first thing I thought about was when I woke up in that facility?”

Your brows furrowed. “What?”

“You.” He huffed a laugh, but it didn’t hold any humour. “At first I thought you were in there, that they were going to kill you.” He shook his head with a frown. “Then they were going to wipe me, and I realised something - that I was more scared of losing you than I was of losing myself.”

You felt something in your chest constrict at his words. The very thought of losing him…

“I owe you an apology.” His words made you look over with a frown. “I tried so hard to push you away thinking you’d be safer without me, that I put you in danger.”

“You don-“

“Let me finish…please.” He cracked a small smile, eyes softening as soon as they met your own. “I spent too much time rehearsing this to not get through it.”

You tried to suppress the quirk of your own lips, but you obviously failed if his cocked brow was anything to go by.

“I saw that. I know that was a smile.”

His teasing grin did nothing to help you, and even with the smile on your face you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

Bucky took the moment to admire you. With the setting setting sun bathing you in gold and a smile he hadn’t seen in months…he wondered how he survived so long without you.

“I put you at risk, because I was too scared to admit how I felt about you.”

_Sounds familiar._ The smile slowly slipped from your face, but Bucky continued anyway.

“I wasn’t out of my mind, or hopped up on medication. I know what I told you,” his brows shot up pointedly, “and I meant it.”

He waited for a beat, but his impatience eventually won out.

“Say something. Please?” He gnawed at his bottom lip nervously.

“I missed you, Bucky. But I needed you…” You all but whispered, mind drifting back to that night and the hole in your chest you’d been unable to fill ever since.

“I know.” He stepped closer, an anguished look on his face that showed he was thinking about the exact same thing. “I know you did, and I promise you,” he gently took each of your hands into his own, “I will never let you down again. Never again.” He shook his head resolutely. “I just want a chance to prove that to you.”

You tried to keep a clear mind with his hands wrapped around your own, and his words pounding at your defences.

_Inhale. Exhale. Repeat._

“I wanted to be angry with you, it made it easier, you know?” He squeezed your hands when you shot him a sad smile. “But I couldn’t stop thinking about you, and I-I…” You sighed.

“I’m no good at talking about this - these feelings, I guess.” You shifted, suddenly self-conscious with his eyes on you. It was bad enough that you were trying to put what you were feeling into words, but to have those words directed at him for the first time…it was hard.

“But I, uh, I’m trying to figure it out…for you. If that’s what you want.” You bit your lip, eyes darting to the floor and unable to hold his gentle gaze. Why did he have to look at you like that?

“More than anything,” he huffed a quiet laugh, “and sweetheart, I’m honestly no good at it either.” You shared a smile. “So, how ‘bout we leave the talking for another time, and I show you instead?”

He held his breath.

You eyes betrayed your vulnerability as they darted between his own, and he patiently waited for you to decide. Wasn’t this what you had always wanted? Him - all to yourself, yours and no one else’s? At the time, you hadn’t quite realised that it would mean having to break out of this shell. That was something you weren’t too sure how to do, but if you weren’t willing to learn for him, then you never would be.

“O-Okay.”

“Yeah?” His brows inched higher, gaze never leaving your own. He wanted you to be sure, only a few months ago you couldn’t even look at him.

“Yeah.” You nodded, a little more certain.

Bucky had that soft look in his eyes again as he gently tugged your hands toward him. “C’mere.”

Two steps forward and you were in his arms.

One hand held your head to the crook of his neck, and the other was slowly running up and down the length of your back. He’d only ever held you like this in his dreams before, and they didn’t do it justice. Your own hands were splayed across his chest, arms held tight between your bodies. You’d never been so close to him before - or anyone, for that matter. You were used to sleeper holds and close combat in training, but no one had ever just held you like this.

Even with the cool wind hitting you both, it felt safe and warm, and like he’d shield you from anything and everything you feared.

Then you remembered that he had already done that once before.  

Bucky felt the slight shift almost immediately in the way your left arm wrapped around him to clutch him tighter. It was only when the fingers of your right hand trailed over his collarbone that he realised what troubled you. A shiver went down his spine as your fingers gently slipped under the collar of his shirt, meeting his bare skin for the first time. He wondered if you could heart his heart thundering, and the moment you drew your head back to look him in the eye, Bucky knew yours was likely racing too.  

His eyes flickered across your features, and you were so lost in the memory that you barely noticed his cybernetic hand come up to cover the one resting on his collarbone. He knew he probably shouldn’t, but it felt far too right to ignore the urge.

“May I?” His eyes darted down to your mouth and you were nodding before you’d even thought about it.  

His lips slanted over your own, slowly and softly, and (even though you knew it was coming) a little unexpectedly. It was your first kiss, and you didn’t really know what to do, you hadn’t been trained for this situation. But he knew that, and he forced himself away before he overwhelmed you. There would be time for that later, you could explore as much or as little as you wanted and he wouldn’t complain. But now, now you needed reassurance, and he was more than happy to offer that too.

Your eyes were still closed, heart racing in a way you’d never experienced outside of a fight. Whether it was lust or embarrassment, you didn’t know. Probably both. He’d surely had better kisses in his lifetime, and that was a thought that made you nervous.

“Sorry,” Your breath ghosted across his lips, and he was quick to respond, as if he’d known exactly how you’d react.

“Don’t. Don’t apologise, that was perfect.”

“I-I’m sure you’ve had your fair share…”

“None from you, and that’s all that matters to me.”

There was a pressure building up behind your eyes and you buried your face back in the crook of his neck.

“Bucky?”

“Yeah?” His hand came up to gently rub circles across your back.

“What do we do now?”

“Whatever you want.” 

You paused for a moment, taking a deep breath as you came to a sudden decision.

“I think…I need to pack my bags.”

His hand froze, and though you couldn’t see it, he was beaming at the thought of you returning to New York with him.

“And Bucky?”

“Mmm?”

“I uh, I love you too.”


End file.
